Hagen

Nikola’s chest fills against mine before it sinks again, bringing with his soft breaths as they brush against my neck. I revel in both the silent caress and the impression of his body pressed against mine, while I trace my fingers up and down the length of his spine.

Deep in sleep, Nikola is unaware of how I stare at the reflection of him in the bedroom mirror first— at the outline of his body, the mounds of muscle that could block me from even seeing that far if he was just a little higher— and then, I stare at the reflection of us. It’s the first time I’ve seen what we look like when we’re completely at peace with one another, which is weird because it’s a complete paradox to our norm.

Nikola held me when we slept. Always. Nik was also the one who woke first. Those were our norms.
When he had a shutdown, I held him and I woke first.

Gaze darting down to the real thing, I try to sneak a glimpse of his face, but all I spot is a head full of loose curls. I bury my smile within them as I bask in his rich scent, pleased to find it closer to its usual self rather than the tanged thing it’d become since he’d fallen into his own head two days ago.

When Nikola had told me about his autism, he’d also told me about shutdowns. We’d spoken about them a lot, including how they affected him when they came. Nik said when they happened, he couldn’t speak most times— couldn’t think beyond the point that had gotten him there, or do much of anything until he felt settled enough to resurface. Nik also said that his shutdowns were rare because he knew how to avoid them, but there’d been no avoiding the way he had literally shut down before my eyes after our conversation.

It was like a switch turned off, and in the darkness it left him in, he was mute, still and almost vacant, even when his eyes were wide open. I’d told myself I wouldn’t, but I’d freaked out. I couldn’t help it. It was such a stark change, not just from the man I knew but from us, especially after how open and vulnerable we’d been.

A wall had mounted in Nik’s head, putting me on the outside for the first time since we’d learned to love one another again, and I didn’t know what I’d do.

I was still terrified to think about what I would have done without our bond and link.

Nikola couldn’t speak to me, not like he usually did, but I could feel him. I could feel his thundering emotions, which included a mountain of fears and relief that tried to bury him beneath its rubble. I could feel him reaching for me in ways he couldn’t physically and that– that had been our saving grace.

Since then, we’d been finding our way out of the darkness together, inch by inch, bit by bit, as we did with everything else.

A sudden stillness makes me stiffen, my body echoing his as it’d trained itself to do at some point. It’s strange watching— or feeling— Nikola wake, but it’s also one of the most fascinating things I’ve ever seen.

He doesn’t startle. He doesn’t slowly open his eyes and yawns like a Disney princess. Nikola wakes like a system rebooting. His breaths start to quicken, his fingers twitch, his arms tense, and I can literally feel his body starting itself up. Lastly, his mind decides to join the party and the moment he does, the arms he’s wrapped around my middle tighten possessively. I tremble against him, smiling into his hair as my mind quiets, knowing that he’s awake and I don’t have to be alone anymore.

When his lashes flutter against my skin, I kiss the skin my lips find first, “Morning.”

Nikola hums gently, a gentle greeting that is far better than the silence.

“How’d you sleep?” I ask while I keep tracing my fingers along his spine. I keep touching him, holding him. Loving him. “You slept through the night, so I think good. But you never know.” Nikola’s leg shifts, sliding under mine as he tries to get closer, “Did you dream of me?” I tease.

“…No,” he whispers before adding. “Sadly, not.”

I feel his smile stretch across my skin as mine does along his forehead.

Nik had warned me that he didn’t like to be touched when he was like this and that while it might be different with me, that wasn’t promised. As painful as it’d been, I’d prepared myself to stay close but physically away from him if I had to— to help him in all the ways I could without touching him, but then Nik was clinging to me, refusing to let go, and those fears had disappeared.

Nikola was more than okay with me touching him, he seemed to need it.

Continuing my touches, I kiss him all over while we lay together for a while. I kiss his shoulders and his cheeks, the corners of his ears and everywhere else while we breathe one another in, and all the while, I thank Goddess again for letting us keep this.

It’d taken me a while to figure out why I’d suddenly felt off-kilter with Nik. At first I thought it was all the BDSM talk, and I guess it was, but that had been more like a prompt. I knew Nikola wanted that lifestyle stuff, and while it freaked me out, I did want to find a way to give it to him. The problem was that every time I tried to think about it, I freaked out.

Why?

I didn’t know when it clicked, but eventually, it did, and I realised that I had to talk to Nikola about the one thing I never wanted to talk about. The moment it clicked, I’d been utterly terrified.

How did I even start the conversation?
What did I say?
What did I not say?
I knew we had to talk about it, but was it even something we could talk about?

The questions had poured into my mind one after the other, which had been jarring when I’d been coming down from the slight high he’d given me. I couldn’t stop them, and they only grew louder the more Nik continued being perfect. He’d taken care of me the way he always did, but there was something else to it— an underlying glee to do it, anticipation and love— so much love, I didn’t want to ruin it. But then it’d been all I could think of and I couldn’t keep being us without addressing us.

Then there were tears, truths, regrets and so much pain I didn’t know how we’d managed to get through it.

I was still processing it all, the real truths about the event that had fucked me so badly, but I knew one thing— I didn’t blame Nik anymore. I let it go. I was still working on the aftermath of doing that, but I had let it go, which is what I needed all along.

“Okay, let’s take a shower first, and then I’ll make breakfast,” I state rather than ask which feels weird on my tongue, but while Nik found his footing again, I helped him take steps. Nikola makes a disgruntled sound as his arms automatically fasten around me. “Come on, you know your routine helps, and you love it.”

Nikola’s magic flares through the link, telling me that the very last thing he wants to do is follow his routine, but the idea of finding his usual structure again seems to win out. Pressing a kiss to my chest, Nikola begrudgingly lets me unravel us before he slides from the bed and holds a hand out for me.

It’s easy, undressing together, brushing our teeth together, sharing a kiss and then getting into the shower together. I don’t have to think about a thing as Nikola scrubs me down, and I know it’s the same for him when we switch roles, and he lets me do the same.

We dress together too, with me in Nik’s clothes cause it makes something warm flare in our bond, and then we move through his otherwise empty family home to start our day.

“I don’t want to wait here alone,” Nikola states as I set him up on the back patio, knowing he liked there best for his breakfast. “I can sit with you and watch.”

“You’ll try to take over,” I argue as I step back. “Besides, I want you here. Just take in the fresh air or something.” Nikola’s face falls flat, making me snort as I step back, “The quicker you let me go, the quicker I’ll come back.”

Nikola looks a second away from arguing or just standing up himself, but before he can, Knots slides up Nikola’s leg and calves until he’s wrapped around Nik and the chair.

“Good job, Knots,” I praise, grinning when Nikola glares at me.

The moment Nik started crashing, a dark magic portal opened up, allowing Knots to come slithering through to comfort Nik. For a moment, I’d been petrified that his scales might upset Nik, but Knots had known better. He’d slithered up to us, dropped his head into Nikola’s lap, and stared up at him like a mournful puppy awaiting permission to cuddle him. Nik had given it shortly thereafter, and Knots had been making up for lost time ever since.

“Try to relax,” I tell my mate, who just grumbles his annoyance while Knots happily nuzzles his cheek.

With Nik taken care of for now, I rush over to the living room, barely opening the door before a very displeased Wreck immediately accosts me. He meows miserably in a blatant attempt to break my heart while sharing that he’s hungry.

“I know, I know,” I coo as I pick my little guy up and bring him to my cheek. “I miss you too. I know we’re supposed to be making up for lost time, but he needs me more right now.”

Wreck meows like he didn’t believe that, but Wreck didn’t know what was happening so unfortunately his commentary was meaningless.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper as I press kisses all over his little face. “We’ll all be together soon.”

Wreck cries turn mournful, clearly, he didn’t believe that and I couldn’t blame him.

Truth was, I didn’t know how our future looked when Knots was a python and Nikola hated Wreck’s fur with a passion. I was pretty sure we could work something out with the fur, but Knots… I’d never seen Knots eat, but I was pretty sure that there was a very high chance that he might mistake my fluffy grey angel for a snack, and that was the very last thing we needed right now. Therefore, Operation Meet the Pets was a no-go, which sadly left Wreck on the outskirts.

“I’ve been the worst, I know, but I’ll make up for it,” I promise him as I set him down before the bowl I’d set up for him. I quickly tear open a packet of chicken for him while I talk, “Nik needs me and he’s getting there, so just be a little more patient, okay?”

If Wreck hears me, my words slip out his ears the moment food touches his bowl, and he pounces on it like… well, like me. With a chuckle, I leave the little guy to his devices before I slide into the kitchen and get to work.

When it came to food, there was only one thing I could do exceptionally well— eat it. I wasn’t a good cook. I might have a real intimate thing going with all things edible, but that didn’t mean I was a wiz in the kitchen. If I was, then I would’ve become a chef years ago, but clearly, that didn’t happen.

For me, I only cooked to survive. For Nikola, I became the best damn cook in the whole world.

I whip us up a quick meal, which includes just about every food group I can hit while being sure to use separate utensils. When it’s all done, I’ve got a hefty breakfast ready for him, with everything sectioned as it should be on his plate. I don’t bother being so meticulous with my own food, but I’ve got two portions and two mugs of tea ready by the time I feel Nikola getting antsy.

I wasn’t lucky enough to have enough magic to help me take our plates and drinks by hand, but the Amorenias have trays, and I have just enough experience as a waiter to manage. I take each step towards the outside patio with patience, and the kind of focus I’d only ever mustered to find Luigi on Super Mario 64. When I slip through the back door, Nikola’s grey eyes lift to mine, and though they’re wrongfully heavy with his exhaustion, I smile for him in case that helps.

“So, I made everything,” I whisper as I close the space between us. “And I know that sounds kind of terrifying, but I promise it’s good.”

Nikola’s magic takes hold of his tray before my luck runs out, “You should’ve let me help.”

“That defeats the whole purpose of doing something nice for you,” I argue as I set my tray down with a relieved breath. “And I can cook!” I remind as I drop into the seat beside him. “I’m more than just a black hole.”

Nikola’s lips twitch into a smile, and all of a sudden, it’s like there’s a defibrillator over my heart.

Following his shutdown, Nik stopped speaking, which was horrible in ways I hadn’t thought to prepare for. It’d been like I’d been thrust back into the earliest years of our childhood when he hadn’t spoken, and with all the memories we’d relived of what had followed, it’d felt like too much too soon.

Maybe Nik sensed that, or we just had luck on our side, because after almost 24 hours, he was speaking again, and quietly resurfacing to his usual self, but I could tell that it had taken a toll on him— that it still took a toll on him.

“I feel better,” Nik whispers, directing my gaze back to his as Knots slithers down so that his arms are at least free. He stares at me, willing me to believe him.

“That’s good, but it’s also fine if you’re not,” I promise as I slide my hand into his. “Don’t force it. Not for me or for anyone else. Take all the time you need.”

Nikola’s gaze drops to our hands. He stares at them as his fingers curl tightly around my palm, and then he breathes deeply. I watch him work through them before he forces himself to nod, “Thank you, Hagen.” His lips tug upwards, forming a real smile that actually holds. “Thank you for taking care of me.”

Fuck the defibrillator. My heart does Olympic-level somersaults in my chest.

(A/N – reading this and why did I read ozempic? LMFAOOO)

Nik always took care of me. Always. I made him laugh, I annoyed the fuck out of him, and I loved him to death, but I rarely got the chance to take care of him. I’d been terrified I wouldn’t do anything right, that I wouldn’t read him well enough to know what he needed and what he didn’t want, but somehow, I’d figured it out and now… Fuck now, I felt so fucking giddy I might just pass out.

“You’re welcome. You know what they say, ‘a smile a day keeps the shutdowns away’.”

Nikola’s lips twitch again before spreading into a bemused grin, “I don’t quite think that’s how the saying goes.”

I tilt my head, “Are you sure?”

His grin grows and my heart thunders for him, “Yes, Hagen. I’m pretty sure.”

“Whatever you say,” I say with a shrug before I grab my fork and point it at his food. “Now, eat before it gets cold. The heat helps the flavour, and you’ll need all the help you can get when I’m cooking.”

Nikola huffs a laugh but releases my hand to follow my instructions. My stomach grumbles, achingly desperate to be filled, but I hold myself back as I watch Nik instead. All jokes aside, if he hated it, I’d run to the markets and get us something edible or maybe head home and get Peter to whip us up something better than just edible.

At Nik’s pat, Knots slinks down from around his waist and slithers under the table to peek at me. I grin at him, and his tongue comes slithering out in greeting.

“You can eat,” Nikola states, though his attention remains on neatly cutting his waffles into cubed pieces according to their predetermined lines.

“I will after you do.” Nik stills, staring blankly at his plate for a few seconds before he continues. “What?”

“I was wondering why I found that so attractive,” he replies nonchalantly while I almost choke on the air in my lungs. “Should I not have said that?”

“No, it’s fine. I guess it proves that you really are feeling better if you’re talking like that.”

Nikola frowns as if he doesn’t understand, but he doesn’t question it as he brings his fork to his lips, eating one of his cubes with a slice of halloumi and then a bit of guac. From the edge of my seat, I watch him chew as if I’m following a football match. I don’t let my eyes stray, not even to blink or indulge in Knots as he slinks over my shoulder to nuzzle my cheek. The cute fucker would wait.

“Oh,” Nikola mumbles after he’s swallowed. I hold my breath. Nik blinks, looking all confused before he looks at me, “…This is very good, Hagen.”

“YES!” Knots jolts with an alarmed hiss before he slinks back to his calmer owner. “Are you sure? Nothing you need me to cook again?”

“No, it is very good,” Nikola promises. “I would let you know if it were not.”

I snort as I pick up my fork and tug my plate a little closer, “I know you would’ve, but it was hard to fuck it up with how stacked your kitchen is.”

As familiar as I was with Nik’s family home, it was kind of weird cooking in there alone and sifting through their spice cabinet without permission. Nik said it was fine, but I’d felt like I was breaking some unwritten rule during the entire thing. I kept waiting for Aunty Kat to show up and skew me.

“Maybe I can make breakfast sometimes?”

“Let’s not push it,” he teases, making me laugh hard while I watch his lips curve up again.

I revel in the warmth of his joy before I finally take my fork in hand, ready to reward myself with a mouthful of my ow. Only the knock on the front door comes before my fork ever has the chance to meet my lips. “…I might just end it all.”

“I’ll send her away,” Nikola states, and I can already feel his magic gathering.

“No!” I blurt as I drop my fork and push to my feet. “You’re supposed to resting, not overexerting yourself, so keep doing that— the resting part. I’ll go deal with them.” I push my chair back only to pause. “You said her? Who is it?”

Nikola tilts his head to the side, “Can you not sense her?”

It’s not a name, but it might as well be. Josey.

My heart withers in my chest, dried out by the sadness that sucks the bliss out of me. I should’ve felt Josey coming— even if there was magic between us, we always knew when the other was close, but her side of the bond had been silent ever since Nik and I had returned home. It was weird because I knew she wasn’t angry with me, but she wasn’t happy either, leaving us in a limbo that I’d never experienced with her before.

“I can still send her away,” Nikola states when the only thing that moves is my racing heart. “Or come with you.”

“No,” I dismiss, resting my hand on his shoulder to keep him where he is. “You stay and eat, and I’ll let her know that now isn’t a good time.”

Nikola’s hand finds mine before I can walk away, “That will only make matters worse, Hagen. You two have not spoken in months, not properly. Fix that. I will be fine.”

“But—”

“I’ll be fine, Hagen,” he insists, his grey eyes becoming unfairly stern. “Talk to her— properly. If you’re back too soon, it will only make me worry more.”

My jaw locks, tightening as I realise the bind he’s set me in. I wanted to talk to my sister, but I also couldn’t help but worry about leaving Nik alone for too long when we hadn’t been apart once for more than a week now, and I didn’t want to start now when he was still finding his footing again.

“The quicker you go, the quicker I get you back,” Nik says with a too-smart smile. He might as well be pounding the nail into the coffin, and that’s before he brings my hand to his lips for a kiss. “Go.”

“Fine,” I grumble. Leaning down, I press a kiss on his temple before I force myself to step back. Nik’s hand tightens around mine like he’s about to change his mind, but then he lets me go, leaving me no other choice but to go so that I could return to him.

The walk to the front door is short— too short because before I have a chance to collect my thoughts or prepare for this, I’m already standing on one side with my sister on the other.

I thought I was through with uncomfortable conversations and confrontations, at least until we saw Nik’s parents again, but here I was, and it was the one person I couldn’t afford to lose.

I didn’t want this to go wrong, but I also didn’t know how to make sure this went right, not without choosing a side. It should’ve been simple enough. Josey had always been my number one, and in many ways, she still was, but Nik… Nik was my everything, and I wasn’t willing to risk him. Not for Jo, not for anything. But Josey— she was a part of me. She was the fucking rock that held me down through everything and—

“I can hear you, Hagen,” Josey calls, startling me where I can. “I can go if this isn’t a good time.”

I open the door before she has the chance to.

Familiar brown eyes find mine the moment the barrier between us moves out of the way, allowing us to really look at one another. It’s different without everyone else watching on because it’s just us, and that’s how we’d always been.

“Hey,” I breathe as I try for a smile.

Josey returns it, the corner of her lips sliding up weakly, “Hey.”

We stand there, just sort of staring awkwardly at one another. Unlike her, I’d left my side of our bond wide open, so she probably knew that I was kind of shitting myself, but other than a warbling wave of anticipation and longing behind her eyes, she was still a clean slate. That changes when her gaze shifts down to my neck.

It’s not anger or horror. It’s something closer to discomfort that narrows her eyes and forces her face into a pained grimace. I shift, fingers curling around the door’s frame as I try to ignore the embarrassment that throbs beneath my skin.

“Uh, come in,” I mumble as I awkwardly move out of the way to let her in, but Josey remains posted at the entrance. “Or not?”

“No! I mean, yes? I just wanted to check in, ya know? See how you’re doing?” She peers warily inside, “Can we talk out here? Maybe take a walk?”

I shake my head as a surge of anxiety immediately rattles through me, “We can talk out here but I can’t go too far.”

Josey nose wrinkles, and then there’s a flicker of anger behind her gaze, strong enough that I almost think I feel it in our shadowed bond. My eyes narrow, ready for any shit she might say, but she doesn’t say anything. She takes a breath that wipes the anger away just as quickly as it’d sprouted before nodding and stepping inside.

“It’s just you guys here?” She checks after I’ve closed the door behind her.

“Yeah,” I clear my throat. “It’s weird being here without them, I know, but Nik promises its fine, and he’s most comfortable here right now.”

Josey doesn’t reply but follows me as I lead her away from the patio and into the sitting room Uncle Apollos and Aunty Katty usually lounged in. It’s weirdly empty without them, as if a layer of colour had been wiped away, but I try not to dwell on it as I drop onto the couch. I expect Josey to sink into the armchair opposite me but she doesn’t. She falls onto the low sofa too, plopping herself right next to me— close to me.

“Where is he?” She asks with a glance around.

“Outside, we were having breakfast,” I explain, confused at first until I realise why she’s asking. My frown turns into a glare as I meet her gaze, “He’s not listening in.”

Josey at least winces as she ducks her head, choosing to rub at the back of her neck instead which is weird because that’s usually my nervous tick and nervous was something Josey chose not to entertain.

“Sorry,” she mumbles, “it’s still weird adjusting to you guys being…” She waits a while, and I almost think she won’t even say it, but then, “mated and linked.”

“We are, and we’re happy— I’m happy,” I remind her, and maybe I’m a little too stern because she winces again. “I’m okay, Josey.”

“I know,” she replies quickly, almost desperately. “I know that. I just—” she sighs, “I always just think the worse and old habits are hard to break I guess.”

I sigh, fingers finding my neck as I search for the right words, “I broke mine. For years, I said we’d never happen, and now, look at me. I’ve probably got the most marks in the world.”

It’s a bad joke, not even a joke, more like a poorly conducted statement, but it works enough to get Josey to look at me again with a small smile.

“How’d it happen?” She asks, allowing her curiosity to show as she surveys my neck freely. “I know you said it wasn’t planned, but how does that actually happen?”

“Well, Josey, when two people love each other very much—” A pillow crashes into my face before I can finish. I catch it as laughter tumbles out of me, coming harder when I spot Josey’s unimpressed glare waiting on the other side.

“You’re such an idiot,” she declares, but she’s laughing too. The familiar sound unlocks something, letting us breathe a little easier as we map out this new terrain.

“It just happened,” I answer as I sober. “We marked each other and I just remember thinking how badly I wanted more.” Josey’s nose wrinkles, and I can’t help but laugh because we both know she doesn’t even want one mark from a mate, let alone the mate itself. “It didn’t feel like enough. So Nik gave me more until it was.”

Josey forces herself to nod, but I can tell that it’s hard for her to swallow this down, even hearing it come from my lips. She hears me, but not entirely because I’m not actually saying the words she needs to hear, so I say them.

“It was consensual, Josey.”

Josey’s tenses, looking guilty all over again but also relieved in a way I don’t think she even notices. Her lips part, but she clasps them shut in short order, nodding instead, which makes her look so small. It’s hard to compute when she was usually so much— larger than life, larger than us both, and now, she just wasn’t.

She fucking scared, I realise too late. She’s scared just like me, but not of Nikola or our relationship. She has all these worries and questions that need answers, but she’s petrified of saying or doing the wrong thing that’ll drive a wedge between us, and ruin us.

“We fucked for days.”

I don’t know why I say it. It’s not really relevant and I know she doesn’t want to hear it, but—

“It was really good.”

Josey’s mouth hangs open as she stares at me with eyes almost bulging out of their sockets.

“Like really fucking good.”

“For fuck sake, Hagen. EW!” She groans when she starts working again. She arms herself with another pillow, “I don’t want to hear that! I can see the evidence of it all over you. I don’t need to hear about it.”

I chuckle, glancing down at my neck, “My marks or the hickeys? ‘Cause we fucked a lot a few days ago too.”

I don’t see the pillow coming. One minute, I’m sitting up, and the next, I’m knocked into the couch’s armrest with a pillow slamming down on my face over and over again. I try to grab it, try to find freedom, but Josey’s already climbing over me and battering me with the pillow like she had the time I teased her about her first crush.

“You’re so sick,” she declares, dodging my seeking hands as she rains down hellfire. “You’re fucking disgusting.” WHAP! “And to think you used to freak out over a kiss.” WHAP! “You just had to say it.” WHAP! ”You don’t think I feel how fucking happy you are—” WHAP! “—every time you guys fuck!” WHAP! “I KNOW, HAGEN!”

I’m barely breathing by the time she stops and not because of the attack, but because I’m laughing so hard my stomach cramps. I can barely move, wheezing as I try to see her through the tears in my eyes. Josey’s laughing too now, panting as well as she finally abandons the pillow and slumps back down into her side of the couch.

“Goddess, I hate you,” she grumbles as she stares up at the ceiling.

I grin at her, “You love me.”

And I know it’s the truth because I can feel it. Our bond glows with it as it overflows from both her side and mine. I don’t think she’d meant for it to happen, but at some point, her walls had come crashing down, leaving our bond as it should always be.

It’s open, and in it, I feel her love, the fears I’d noticed too late, the disgust from the reminder that Nik and I did fuck, a lot, the worries that I don’t think will ever go away, and the… joy? She’s happy, so fucking happy, and not just cause we’re acting like us again, but because I’m happy with Nik. She’s happy for me.

I blink at her, eyes growing wide as I try to slot those feelings in beside the hard front she’d been presenting ever since I decided to give it a go with Nik. All I’d ever seen was the hesitance, the doubt and all that came with it, but now, there’s so much fucking joy that I don’t even know how to register it.

“What?” She asks when her gaze slides back onto me.

“You’re happy for me,” I whisper, sounding as surprised as I really am.

Josey blinks at me for a moment, frowning, “I told you I was.”

“Yeah, but—” this was different than words. This was something I could feel, for real. This was bigger than anything she’d ever given Nik and I. “You’re really really fucking happy for me. You feel like you did the day you got that big mirror.”

Josey snorts a laugh before she nods, “Yeah, I guess I am.”

“Really?” I hate how small I sound, how hopeful.

“Yeah, Hagen. I am,” she straightens, not quite looking at me but not avoiding me either. “It’s not like I always wanted you guys together— you know that. Sometimes, I was terrified this day might never come, but most times, I was scared that it would. When I realised that you were falling for him, I just wanted it to happen the right way. I didn’t want you to be with him and not really be with all of him. The good and the bad.”

“I always knew there was good and bad.”

“Yeah, but you guys were acting like you could fix it. Nik was trying to be better, and you were trying to let him, and it felt like both of you were pretending that he’d ever stop being abnormally obsessed with every breath you take.”

“I am obsessed with every breath you take, but you can be terribly infuriating sometimes, Hagen.”

I gawk at Josey, wondering how in all the plains she’d known that or heard it, but she couldn’t have. She just seemed to understand Nik enough to say his words almost verbatim.

“It felt like watching a train head straight into a wall,” she sighs as she rubs a hand over her brows. “I know it wasn’t my place, and sometimes I did too much, but was I just supposed to let you crash? I kept trying to warn you, but I was the bad guy every time I told you to jump.”

“We were trying to sort it all out,” I argue again, ‘cause it’s the truth, “but I guess you were right. At some points, we were playing pretend. I kept thinking we were working our way to it, and I guess we were, but before everything went to shit, there were just some things we couldn’t talk about then— things we both knew we weren’t ready for so we avoided them.”

Josey’s gaze meets mine, and I know without a single word what she’s asking.

“We spoke about it yesterday,” I whisper. She sucks in a breath, terror passing through just behind her shock.

Josey sits up, her eyes holding mine with the silent promise not to let go until I was ready, “Are you okay?”

Not, how did it go.
Not, what did he say.
Not, what did you say.

But, are you okay— first and above everything else.

My heart threatens to fucking explode in my chest as I stare at my best friend, my fucking ride-or-die, the person willing to walk through fire just for me and I wonder how I’d ever been afraid to lose her when she clearly would never let me.

“I’m fine,” I reply, as I shift closer. “Surprisingly. I’m actually feeling pretty good about it.”

“Really?” She asks, her hands sliding into mine. I squeeze onto them as I nod.

“It was hard on Nik, that’s why I didn’t want to go too far,” I explain almost in a ramble. “It was hard on both of us, but with him,” I pause, trying to work out how to explain without sharing things that weren’t mine to share. “It wasn’t what we thought it was, Josey.”

Josey frowns, but not with distrust, more confusion, “Tell me.”

So I do. I tell her everything. I tell about what happened on that day but from Nikola’s perspective. I tell her about how it had affected the both of us, not just me. I tell her other things too. I tell her the things I couldn’t when I’d returned home without him. I tell her why we’d fallen apart, about how betrayed Nik had felt, about how I’d shunned him, how he hadn’t understood the things we’d all thought he had.

I tell her all the ways he’d been hurting before he’d hurt me.

And because it’s Josey, because I know she needs this if she’s ever going to accept him too, I tell her how much I fucking adore him. How I’d come to love him, even after I’d already fallen for him. I tell her how I’d learned to be just as obsessed with him as he’d always been with me. How I’d fought for him, and fucking earned the marks on my neck.

I tell her how happy I am, how happy Nik makes me, and as I do, I feel not just her relief through our bond, but the scorching heat from Nik who hears my declarations even without being here. I also feel just how utterly desperate he is to have me all to himself again. I hope he can tell that I feel the same.

“That’s…” Josey doesn’t ever find the words. She tries, but all she does is blink as she stares at me. “Hagen, that’s…”

“A lot, I know,” I reply with a small smile. “But it’s our shit, so don’t worry about it. We’re working through it together, and it’s working because—” my smile grows as I think of my mate, “we really fucking love each other.”

Josey smiles, and it’s real. She still has questions, and she still worries because she will always worry, but she gets it, kind of. She, at least, respects it, and that’s all I need for now.

“Goddess really put you guys through the fucking ringer, huh?”

A dry laugh bursts from my chest, “You have no idea.”

“I’m just glad you’re really happy, Hagen,” she says as her eyes search mine. “For a while it was like you were trying to be, but now you really are. You’re happier than you’ve been in years.”

My smile wavers as guilt rushes through me, but it washes away quickly with the knowledge that we’d found our way back to one another, and I had absolutely no plans of ever letting us split so far apart again.

“Yeah, I really am,” I reply instead.

Josey smiles again before she pats her thighs and stands to her feet, “Well, I guess I’ll fuck off then.”

My heart drops as I scramble to do the same, “You’re leaving?”

“Aw don’t look so sad,” she teases with a poke to my side that gets her swatted. She just smirks, “ I just needed to make sure you really were okay, and you are, so you guys can get back to honeymooning. I’ve kept you away from him for long enough and I don’t need him feeling prickly towards me when we talk.”

My heart drops as I focus on the most horrifying thing she’d said so far, “When you talk? You want to talk? To Nik? Nik, as in my Nikola?”

“My Nikola?” Josey retorts before she frowns a little. “That’s strangely very cute.”

“You’re being serious?”

“Duh, Hagen,” she replies with a quirked brow. “You guys are in it for life, so he and I have to like each other, right? Get along at least, so I gotta talk to him— without you.”

“Without me?” I squeak as Zyair paces nervously. He didn’t like the idea of that trainwreck anymore than I did.

“Yes, Hagen,” Josey replies as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. She’s already heading for the door as she says, “Don’t worry. I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

That would imply that they both know how to hold their tongues and be nice — Zyair retorts quickly — neither of them has that ability!

“Wait. You can’t just drop a bomb like that and then leave,” I say, trying to weave around her, but there’s no muscling around Josey. “What if he doesn’t want to?”

“He will,” she replies without pause, so sure it’s almost annoying.

Opening the door, Josey slips out before I can think of something else. She turns back to me with a smile, a proper one without nerves or hesitancy behind it, and for the first time, it feels right. It feels like us.

“We’ll catch up properly when you’re not itching to get back to him.”

I roll my eyes, “I was not ‘itching to get back to him’.”

“Hagen, your leg was literally shaking,” she deadpans, making my face heat instantly. “You looked like you were about to crawl out of your own skin.”

“Okay, and?”

“And nothing,” Josey replies with a chuckle. “I’m going to fuck off and leave you to it.”

“We haven’t spoken about you,” I say, more seriously. “It’s been me, me, me, me. How have you been? What’s happening with the academy?”

“Good. I’m in the last stage of trials before I find out whether or not I made it,” she replies nonchalantly.

“Josey?!”

“What?” She retorts. “I’ll tell you all about it another time. Not today.”

“But—”

“Hagen, you’re home again. We have time. We’ll talk,” she replies with another easy smile. “You just enjoy this, okay? You deserve it.”

I falter, struggling suddenly to let go of her like I’d been struggling to let go of Nikola earlier, but I’m no better arguing against her than I am with Nik.

“Hagen,” she groans.

“We will talk,” I promise with a pointed finger, “soon.”

Josey nods as she backs up, “I’ll drag you away from him kicking and screaming if I have to.”

I smirk and so does she, and as our bond ignites once more, I finally let her go. I watch her go until she disappears down the Amorenia’s lone road, and only then, do I return to my waiting mate.

Nikola perks the moment he sees me, his eyes slightly brighter now as he lifts himself from his chair and comes straight to me, “Are you okay?”

He touches me all over, even putting his hand on my head as if I might’ve caught a cold in the time I’d been away from his side. I smile, laughing as I feel his magic wafting through me, sinking back into my veins so we’re one again.

“I’m okay,” I promise as I wrap my arms around his neck and press up on my toes for a kiss. “Thanks for making me go.”

Nikola hums against me, deepening the kiss as he tugs me closer. I moan a little in surprise, especially when his hands slide up my shirt and over my chest. He feels a little better than I’d left him, brighter somehow, and I know he is when we part and our eyes meet again.

“She’s okay with us,” he hazards, his relief showing.

“She’s happy for us,” I correct while I card my fingers through his hair. Nikola’s eyes widen, “I know, right?”

“That is a good thing,” he states, sounding almost unsure.

“It is,” I confirm with a pat to his chest. “She also wants to speak to you though. When the time is right.”

“That’s good. I would like to speak to her as well.”

I stare at him, wondering at what point I’d wandered into my neighbouring universe where Josey and Nikola actually wanted to talk to another.

“You need to eat now,” he states, trying to guide me to the table but I make it hard for him with the way I cling to him. “Your breakfast was disturbed.”

“Breakfast, smechshush,” I mumble while I smile at him. “I just want to hold you for a bit. I missed you.”

Nikola’s nostrils flare, “I missed you too.”

Warmth invades my body, sprouting from the point in our bond that sizzles with our shared relief. Fuck, we had it bad.

“We do,” Nik confirms, making me smile. “We’ll have to be careful as we get back to some version of our lives,” he states, sounding clearer than he had for a while. “I’m sure your friends have been trying to reach you, and you’ll have to make decisions on what you’d like to do from here on out. We will also need to make a home for ourselves.”

“Our own place in the pack?” I shudder against him when he nods. “I love the sound of that.”

A pleased hum rumbles from Nikola’s chest while he leisurely thumbs my hip, “Good. Now sit. You have to eat first before we do anything else..”

“Bossy,” I accuse, only teasing, but it sobers Nikola immediately.

“I won’t push the matter anymore, Hagen,” he says sincerely. “I understand your hesitancy now, and I won’t lie and say I’m no longer interested, but I won’t bring it up again. I’ll leave it in your hands.”

“I know,” I reply, passing my hands over his chest in an effort to soothe him. “I know, Nik.”

“I mean it,” he insists. “It’s… with our history, I’ll do what you wish.”

My heart tumbles all over again, falling at his feet just like I’m tempted to do, “Thank you.”

Nikola nods, looking pleased a moment before he points at the chair, “Now, sit.”

I wonder if Nik knew that even when he was trying not to be bossy, he was. It was ingrained in him, just as it was almost ingrained in me to listen— almost. But Nik was giving me time so I’d take it in, and in the meantime, I’d sit, eat breakfast, and then sneak off the first chance I had to write him a letter.

I’d made him a promise about those, and I had every intention of keeping them, just like I knew he had every intention of keeping his promises.

---

———————–

I don’t know why, but this chapter had me feeling all gooey insideeeeee!!!!! I’m fucking losing it.

Thoughts???????

Thoughts on Hagen handling Nik’s shutdown???? Thoughts on the conversation with Josey??? On their cute scene at the end???????

This chapter felt a bit more like a filler for me which is crazy cause its like 7k words long but I loved it so much its crazy. Something about Hagen doting over Nikola so much just put me in the best mood ever.

I also love love love that we were able to see Josey’s perspective and thoughts, like a raw version after she’s been trying throughout the book to help Hagen. I love that she’s not suddenly team-Nik, but that she’s seriously working towards it! UGH I love it all!

That being said, I’m excited for what comes next hehee

Until next time,

Byeeeeeeeee Humanssssssss