Hagen’s P.O.V

I’d been here before. Like this wasn’t just déjà vu, I’d literally been right here before with my boxers glued to my skin and a brick house lying on top of me. Somehow it felt like the world had turned on its head since then while still being the exact same.

Cracking open one eye, I find the arm attached to the brick house in question draped across my chest, quite literally plastering me to the bed. I follow the arm up to its owner and there Nikola is, fast asleep in my bed as if he belonged there.

He does —Zyair purrs wistfully.

Zyair….

I’m sorry but look at how good he looks even when he’s sleeping!

We’re not going there Zyair —I warn, batting away the arousal that tries to rear its head. Last night had been bad enough.

Heat invades the nerves beneath my skin as I stare at Nikola’s sleeping face, remembering all too easily how he’d looked the night before. Those closed grey eyes had glowed purple and sharp canines flashed as he’d held me against a tree by my neck, his grip unrelentingly cruel. I’d meant to tell him to stop because that’s what you did when someone started choking you the fuck out, or that’s what you were supposed to do. In my case, it felt so good— unreasonably good, and he knew it.

I’d seen Nikola aroused before, but I’d never seen him as feral as the moment he realised that I’d liked it. Fuck, I didn’t even knowIliked it until it was happening and then I—

I swallow, or try to, as memories of what followed push to surface quickly. My throat burns with the effort and blood rushes to my dick in response. Right, time to get the fuck out of here before I lost my mind

Mustering all the strength I can, I try to lift Nikola’s arm, but the shit’s heavy as lead and it doesn’t budge more than an inch. With a heaving breath, I try to claw my way from under it, I even try the lever method, but I stay fixed under Nikola’s hold until I realise, belatedly, that someone’s watching me.

Freezing in the middle of my third attempt to bench press his arm, I dart my gaze up at the brick house itself and find steeled grey eyes focused on me.

Amusement flitters through them as Nikola’s fingers brush along my skin, “Good morning, Hagen.”

Fuck.

Fuck him. And fuck his morning voice. And fuck my dick for liking it.

“That is yet to be determined,” I reply, purposefully ignoring the goosebumps his touch sets off from me while I shove at his arm. “Can you let me up?”

“Why?” Nikola asks innocently— curiously even.

“Uh, ’cause I want to get up.”

“Why?” He repeats, and I stall a little.

“Uhhh, ’cause—” I pause on my response when I remember that I didn’t have to tell him shit, “’cause I want to get up.”

Nikola shifts closer as his grey eyes trail over my face, “Stay here a little longer.”

The fucked part is that my body relaxes a little. Like, he asked for me to stay and my body wants to just roll over and do it, but I wasn’t as easy to put down.

“What if I need to shit?” I exclaim as I watch the fucker get more comfortable. “You want me to shit the bed, Nikola!”

He wrinkles his nose a little, “Don’t be crass, Hagen.”

“Then let me up,” I groan, pushing against the arm that was clearly being held down by magic. “I’m serious. Get this cinder block off my chest.”

Nikola laughs and I want to stab the asshole, if only for the way the sound makes joy spark inside of me. I smother the feeling, focused on getting free, but what little room I gain, Nikola’s magic reclaims, keeping me right where I am until I’m exhausted and spent. And I hadn’t even gotten out of bed yet, wasn’t that fucking ironic.

Defeated, I glare at the prick, but he looks just as at peace and happy as he’d been when he’d opened his eyes and said good morning.

“Hello, Hagen,” he whispers as if the last five minutes didn’t just happen and he’s free to greet me again. I scowl at him and his eyes brighten a little before he adds, “It’s Nikola.”

My heart does a weird flopping thing, as if it’s a fish thrown on land and is in dire need of water. It doesn’t seem to get any because it keeps flip-flopping while I try to fight a smile that basically has the strength of hulk behind it. I bite down on the inside of my cheek, but it’s a losing battle, especially with Nikola looking right at me, all proud and shit.

“You are so annoying,” I groan, shaking my head as he pulls us closer. I stop fighting him only because I can’t get away, not because I like the way his arm curls around my waist or how I’m left caged against his chest. “So what? You holding me hostage now?”

“Yes, but only until you stop trying to run away,” he replies easily enough, expression calm while my pulse kicks up.

“I wasn’t trying to run away,” I grumble, but we both knew that was bullshit.

I was trying to run because last night, it hadn’t just been me proving how weak I was to myself where Nikola was concerned, I’d gone further than that. It would’ve been one thing if I’d given in and let him do what he wanted, but I’d touched him too.

I had jerked him off. I, Hagen fucking Heil-Calderon, had jerked off a dude and… it wasn’t nearly as terrifying as I’d imagined. I mean itwasterrifying, that was for certain. I touched a dick and even if I had one, it had felt weird touching Nikola’s rock-hard one, but the world wasn’t crashing down around me. It kept spinning and I was still breathing. For the most part, everything was okay, which was surprising because well, I’d touched a dick!

Yes, Hagen. I think we’ve established that you had a greatttt time last night —Zyair groans, sounding a little jealous which, of course, he was.

I ignore the crybaby living in my head, still reeling a little by how not-crazy I felt. And more than that, by how much I think I’dlikedit. Every little gasp Nikola had made, the way he’d shuddered and moaned had practically melted my brain and set me off. I loved the way he’d cursed as he rocked into my hands, his cock harder than I knew possible and fucking throbbing. I mean, I’d been turned on plenty but I don’t think my dick had ever felt like that.

He was so into it, so into me, and that had been hotter than it had any right to be.

I enjoyed it. I wanted more. Which was exactly why I was trying to run.

I couldn’t afford to want more when I was supposed to be hating him.

“So, you are not running from me?” Nikola asks, his grey eyes locked solely on me.

“There’s not exactly a lot of square footage in this place,” I deadpan and his lips tug up in a smile.

Nikola hums in reply and while his fingers at my back move in small maddening circles, his gaze tracks lower. All of a sudden, his formerly calm greys ignite into electric silvers as his eyes rove over my neck. It was healing but it still felt a little too tight when I swallowed, and aflame— more so with Nikola’s hungry gaze on it.

“Look at you,” he mumbles almost reverently as he lifts a hand to touch. He’s so gentle that the caress feels nonexistent compared to last night, but I still shudder under it.

I stare at him, urging myself to pull away but there was something addictive about the way Nikola was looking at me. It wasn’t possessiveness or lust, it was more like wonder, and it made me feel…. Special was the word that came to mind, but it felt silly to use. Still, it was the only word that came to mind.

“The first time I made you cum, you promised I’d see the marks I left next time,” he rasps and I can hear his heart pounding as forcefully as my own. “Do you remember?”

I did. Of course, I did. I remembered it like it was yesterday, but I grumbled, “Vaguely,” instead.

Nikola’s gaze darts to mine, and for a moment, outside of his amusement, he looks as carnal as he did the night before. I swallow and Nikola’s fingers shift against the movement.

“Hagen,” he groans achingly and my half-hard dick stiffens in response.

“What?” I snap and I thank Goddess that I sound stronger than I feel. Inside, I feel like jello on a trampoline, all erratic and wiggly. Inside, I felt unhinged, but that wasn’t something I needed him to know.

Nikola doesn’t say anything, I don’t think he even hears me. He looks slightly drugged, as the hand at my back tugs at the waistband of my boxers, reminding me of the mess that was still down there.

When we’d gotten here last night, we’d barely spoken. It hadn’t been awkward really. Maybe a little bit considering the fact that we’d gotten off in the pack woodlands for anyone to see, so we’d been unusually quiet, for us.

I’d gone to my room, Nikola had followed and I couldn’t really yell at him to leave because I felt weirdly sated and tired, and I didn’t want him to go, which was all types of confusing. I tried to go shower instead, knowing his scent on me— his cum— was what was likely frying my mind, but his magic had drawn me back to his side.

‘A little longer’he’d whispered into my hair and I’d been hard all over again.

I should’ve denied him like I should’ve denied him in the woods, but I was weak then, and I was weak again. I’d left the mess in my underwear a little longer, only that little longer carried on until we went to bed and he’d pulled me close, nuzzling me until my eyes had fallen shut.

I’d slept like the dead, like I always did when Nikola was with me, and the only reason I’d woken up was because of that dream last night. A dream and a memory of when we’d sang karaoke together and looked for shapes in the clouds.

It felt like another lifetime ago— so much between us felt like another lifetime ago…

“I’m going to shower,” I state, reaching down to push his hand away as something heavy falls upon my chest.

Nikola blinks at me, the lust in his eyes clearing a little, “Okay.” But he doesn’t let me go.

“You’re not showering with me,” I clarify in case he had any disillusions about where this was going.

“I know that,” he replies flatly, but he still doesn’t let me go. “I just need to make sure you’re alright first.” He tilts my chin up slightly, “Are you alright, pup?”

“I hate that name,” I grind out even as my insides unfurl hearing it. Nikola hums, but waits patiently. I sigh heavily, “I’m fine. I wasn’t expecting it, and you need to learn how to leave me alone, but… I’m fine.”

“Good boy,” he whispers and yeah, I officially needed away from this demon.

“Fuck off. Now,” I gesture to the arm of death, “unhand me.”

A heavy, sleep-ridden chuckle rumbles from Nikola’s chest as he rolls over, finally freeing me, except only now I can’t move at the sight of him. At his familiar smile, his loose curly hair and the way he looked so right here, in my bed, and my heart aches for him.

I missed him. I hated him. I—

“If you’re staying, I want breakfast,” I choke out as I slide from the beast, taking my chance to escape as a sudden wetness rises behind my eyes.

“Okay,” Nikola calls from behind and I can hear the smile on his lips even without looking.

I lock the bathroom door behind me, and wait until I hear his parting footsteps before I let out a shaky breath.

What the fuck was I doing? What. The fuck. Am. I. Doing?

It takes effort to keep down the groan and sob that all my crazed emotions try to push up. I’d been confused enough before when I was trying to get over my mate being younger than me, male, and Nikola, but this felt like an entirely new hellish ballgame.

I’d told him that he’d never have me, that we would never be together and I still meant it. There was still so much anger inside of me that I knew I meant it. But how did you hate someone you needed? Someone who’d become a part of you?

This guy knew me, he fuckingknewmein the way you could only know someone when they let you in, because I’d let him in. I’d trusted him and even though he’d betrayed that trust, I didn’t know how to let him go.

Last night’s dream felt like a mockery now, they all did since as Nikola and I grew more intertwined, memories of our childhood kept resurfacing. It was crazy to think I’d almost forgotten how shy he’d been all those years ago, so desperate not to scare me away. He’d been the same only a few months ago, and now, he was like an entirely different person.

He’s not entirely different —Zyair corrects earnestly.I think… it feels like there are different versions of Nikola. The Shy Nikola, who wants to impress you. The Smart Mouth Nikola, who speaks his true thoughts when he’s comfortable. The Possessive Nikola, who loves us more than we’ll ever comprehend, and that’s before we even throw in the bonds. The Loving Nikola, who would do absolutely anything for you. And most recently, we’ve met the Nikola who no longer wants to ask for permission.

And what do you call that Nikola? —I ask as my breathing calms some.

There’s no one name. The Tired Nikola. The Sad Nikola. The Angry Nikola. The Broken Nikola. The Free Nikola? —he laughs a little but it’s sad, like the aching that shifts between us.

And which one is the real Nikola?

I think they’re all him, in a way.He’s said it himself, he’s waited for you to love him for so very long. We’ve seen all these different facets of him over the years and it feels like now, he’s no longer trying to present one we’d choose to love. Isn’t that a good thing? That he’s being implacably himself— for better or for worse?

It’s what I wanted —I reply mutely.It’s what I’ve been asking for.

The day it’d all went to shit between us, I remembered Nikola being all keyed up. He’d smiled to my face, promised everything was fine, and while I’d been with Apollos, Nikola had spoken to everyone but me. I wished he’d tell me what was clearly wrong, that he’d stop lying and hiding.

It was the same when he’d first moved in, before he’d told me that he needed me to be more open to the bond. I knew now that that had all kind of been shit since we didn’t have to be together and he’d known that. But he had been struggling— on the nights when he’d leave the bed and speak to himself in ways I didn’t understand— I’d wanted to know what was wrong, for him to tell me what was wrong.

Looking back, so much was wrong. So much was still wrong, the only difference was now, it was sort of all on the table. The good, the bad and the ugly. It was a downright shitstorm, but we were still here, trying to make sense of it, I think.

A short laugh leaves me as I push off the door and head to the shower, turning it on while I strip down.

Whatever the fuck this was, at least, we were careening together. I just hoped when we hit the bottom, it wouldn’t break us.

—————————

Nikola’s POV

Don’t ask me the colour ofnot’ingggggwhen this man is around

When Hagen walks into the kitchen, I notice two things immediately.

Firstly, I notice how slowly he walks. Instead of running out here with his nose to the sky, excited to maul the breakfast I’d prepared for him, each of his steps are timid and his eyes constantly dart my way, making sure I’m still in the same place.

Secondly, I notice how when he’s not looking at me, he’s looking for something. It doesn’t make sense at first until I note precisely where his eyes linger, all on crooks and corners that Knots loved to fill when he was here. Except, he was no longer here and by the sadness in Hagen’s eyes, he was already missing him.

It created the most inconvenient conundrum because while I wanted to give Hagen anything his heart desired, I could not give him Knots. I really needed him, and until he was comfortable living with me again, Hagen would not be able to see Knots. But I could recognise that he’d grown attached to Knots, and without him, he would likely feel lonely when he was here without either of us.

I would need to rectify that soon, but not now. This morning I had other plans.

When Hagen finally reaches the breakfast counter where I have his plate readied with several pancakes and a number of fried eggs, he seems to finally notice the two books and stationary here as well.

“What all this?” He asks, curiosity making him speak.

“I’ll explain while you eat.”

He frowns a little and I ready for a fight, only to get “You’re not eating?” instead.

Surprise slows my reply, but eventually I get it out, “I prefer to eat after I’ve showered and brushed my teeth, and since I’ve only done one of those things, I will wait.”

Surprising me once more, Hagen doesn’t argue. He only shrugs as he slips into his favourite chair. A second later, his knife and fork are in his hand, a mixture of eggs and pancakes find their way into his mouth, and he’s looking at me expectantly. I take the hint.

“While you showered, I began thinking about our original plan of trying new things together, while you paused your education—”

“Yeah, that’s kind of in the gutter, huh?” Hagen mutters sarcastically while he chews and though he tries to hide it, I can hear the sadness behind those words.

“Not entirely, but for it to continue, I think it would be good for you…” I pause, thinking for a moment, “and I suppose both of us, to develop a routine.” Hagen’s bushed brows immediately clench together as he poises to argue, but I continue before he can. “I am not talking about a routine for our relationship. I am talking about routines that can be applied to our daily lives.”

“I have a life,” Hagen defends around a mouthful.

“I know you do,” I reply as gently as I can. “But it has been sidetracked these last few months, and so has mine. We’ve spent the majority of our time here, and even when we are not here, we are still together. We need to see friends and family more, and we need to develop healthy habits as well. A routine would help us practice them.”

Hagen stares at me for a moment, seeming too stunned to speak, but then his eyes narrow suspiciously, “Why do you suddenly sound like a therapist?”

““Because I have one and these are some of the things she’s recommended to me over the years.”

“You have a therapist?!” Hagen exclaims, his eyes suddenly massive as his mouth hangs open to share with me the chewed contents within his mouth.

I turn away, facing the wall instead as I try to breathe past the goosebumps that race over my skin.

“Hagen, if we’re going to be together, I need you to keep your mouth closed when you’re eating,” I say to the wall, though the words are intended for him. “I will have to leave the next time you talk while eating.”

Silence follows outside of Hagen’s rushed chewing and when I risk a glance back, I find him swallowing with his face tinted molten red. He peeks at me, looking slightly bashful, “Sorry, bad habit.”

I nod, “We’ll break it.”

His eyes glow for a moment, so fleeting I might’ve thought I’d imagined it if not for the way it lingers behind his heated gaze. He swallows again, and I track the movement with my eyes. His skin had completely healed from the last night’s faint bruising. My fingers twitch at my sides but I cull the urge quickly.

“To answer your question, yes, I have a therapist and I’ve had one for years,” I say, getting myself back on track. Hagen only blinks at me, looking genuinely shocked. “This surprises you. Why?”

“I don’t know,” he replies looking at where he knocks his fork against his plate. “I just didn’t know you spoke to someone other than Damon.”

“You’ve never asked,” I reply and for some reason, he winces. I tilt my head, confused, but then Hagen starts eating again, so I let it be. “As I was saying, we need to re-establish routines in our personal lives.” I reach for the first book before me, “This is a bullet journal.”

Hagen leans over, peering in curiously as I flick through the pages of the one I’d used while I was fifteen and managing my university classes at home. “It looks like a planner.”

“Precisely, but with more room for personalisation,” I flip to one of the first pages. “We start with goals we want to establish over the year or a select period of time. Then you break those goals down by what you can achieve each month.” I move to July, “You have tasks you want to complete each day, habits you want to maintain and so on.”

“Meditation, magic practice, socialise,” he reads, lips quirking at the last one. He smirks up at me, “You only socialised four times here.”

“It’s a practice I’m still working on,” I deadpan and my heart bleeds all over itself as Hagen’s lips pull into a wide smile I’ve missed far too much.

“So you want us both to start one of these?” Hagen asks carefully. I nod. I’d wanted just him to do it, but he seemed more agreeable to the idea of it being for both of us. “So that we’ll spend less time together?”

“If it were up to me, I’d spend every waking moment with you, Hagen,” I reply truthfully. Hagen’s smile fades a little as he gulps, digesting the truth I’d never shied away from sharing. “But I know you do not feel the same right now, and I’ve been told that that isn’t a particularly ‘healthy’ desire. This is a comprise, I suppose. We’ll have routines that don’t revolve around the other.”

Hagen glances down at the bullet journal, looking contemplative but he was definitely interested. We might not be on the best of terms, but I still knew Hagen. He didn’t want to drink his days away and do nothing. He was drowning again, like when we’d first started, and didn’t know any way out. Thankfully, I knew the perfect way out and I was not afraid of sharing it this time.

“This sounds good,” he admits after some time, though he eyes the journal as if it might spawn teeth. “But I don’t know if I can keep this up.”

“I’ll make sure you do. Each night, we’ll go through what you did for the day and in the morning, we will plan what you want to do the next day.”

Hagen wrinkles his nose as if the idea was foul to him, but I expected his resistance. I’d let him have his fuss and when he was through with it, we’d proceed as planned.

“We need to set the main goals first,” I state as I push away his finished plate with my magic and replace the space in front of him with the empty, dark purple notebook I’d gotten for him. Hagen paces a finger over the hardback cover, clearly pleased and my chest warms with pride.

“The main goals?” He echoes, watching as the pages flip open in front of him.

I nod as I charm my teacup towards me, “What would you like to achieve over the coming months?”

I know I’m touching a hornet’s nest before I even ask the question, but I’m willing to endure a few stings to get Hagen on the right track. He was eager before to try new things with me, to figure out his passion, but he needed some sort of targets to work towards or eventually, that too would start feeling like an endless pursuit.

“I don’t know,” Hagen grumbles as he slides from his chair with his plate in hand, leaving the book behind.

“I’m not asking you what you want to do in life,” I clarify. “I’m asking you what are a few goals you’d like to reach.”

“I don’t have any goals,” Hagen mutters, not looking anywhere near me as he washes his dish aggressively at the sink. “You know that.”

I didn’t know that because Hagen did have goals, he was just sadly pessimistic when it came to matters surrounding himself. I understood pessimism, especially when applied to this thing we called life, but with Hagen, I found it impossible to allow.

“Okay, forget about the goals for now,” I say, trying this from a new angle. “What is something you have always wanted to learn?” Hagen glances back at me, and even though he’s frowning, I know he’s listening. “Something you want to master before you die?”

“I don’t know, maybe learn some more languages,” he says with a shrug.

Pulling Hagen’s book towards me, in pencil, I write down his first goal.#1 – Start taking _ classes.He would fill in the blank for himself, and rewrite them in pen when he did.

“What else?”

Hagen turns to me properly now, leaning against the sink. He’s still frowning, still looking as if he wanted to run, but he knew I wouldn’t let him, so he continues. “Travel.”

“Where?” I ask. “You can travel down the stairs, technically.”

“Shut up. You know what I mean,” he groans, his pretty brown eyes rolling beneath his lashes.

“No, I don’t,” I reply stubbornly.

“Everywhere,” Hagen answers finally. “I want to see everything I can before I kick the bucket. Starting with every corner of this planet I can touch.”

I nod and write his second goal.#2 – Spend a week in a new country.

“Next,” I prompt and this time, Hagen inches a little closer. He peers at the book, at what I’m writing, and he smiles just a little, no longer looking so frightened.

“I want to learn how to fight,” he says seriously.

“You know how to fight,” I reply, I nor his parents would’ve left him in a human city alone if he couldn’t.

“Yeah, but I wanna know how to fuck up anybody,” he replies as he pushes onto his toes. “I wanna be able to take down a grizzly bear, or like a troll!”

I stare at my mate as I bite back my laughter. I was sure Hagen could take down a grizzly bear, but I loved it when he was like this. Carefree and simple— not in the way of being dull, but in the way of not thinking too hard about the little things. Simple in the way I think most people wanted to be just a little bit carefree.

“Alright,” I reply as I write his third goal.#3 – Learn to fight like a pack warrior.

“Hell yes,” he exclaims as he circles the counter, sliding back onto the stool to watch me write it down. “I had fun that day with your dad. I mean, I almost had a heart attack, but it was fun.”

“He’d be glad to hear that,” I reply before I carefully steer us away from the topic of that day. “Do you want to do the rest?”

Hagen nods as he takes the pencil from me and starts scribbling down everything he wants to do. Every little thing he kept stored inside of him where he thought they didn’t exist at all.

He wanted to go skydiving. He wanted to learn how to cook— not just to survive. He wanted to get a pet. He wanted to be able to live somewhere new every few years. He wanted to go to a new realm.

He wanted so very much and he would have them all. He would because I’d make sure he could.

“So now we start putting them in like, month-slots?” Hagen asks, excitedly as he looks over his list. I nod, and he flips the page, using my open journal as a template for his own.

I watch as he works, not wanting to leave him in case he got distracted, and as he asks me questions, I guide him where I can, careful not to be too intrusive. And though we’re only sitting here, only setting out his goals, it feels soright.Like the night before when he’d unfurled so willingly for me, it feels like this is how we’re supposed to be. I just needed to get Hagen to see that.

“I don’t know what my habits should be,” he says as he taps his pen against his lip. “Meditation sounds good and all, but I think I’d send myself into a coma.”

A laugh escapes me by surprise. “It is not for everyone,” I agree, chuckling still as I try to imagine Hagen seated still for more than ten minutes. “You might enjoy some form of exercise over time?”

“I highly doubt that,” he retorts readily, “but that day with your dad did prove that I’m a lazy shit-stain so…” He begrudgingly jots down ′run’beside his first tracker. “I’m going to regret that.”

“You should practice your new language daily,” I suggest and he immediately perks up.

“I think I’m going to do Japanese,” he says before he gasps dramatically, “or should I do Portuguese?! Oh shit, what about Turkish?!”

I raise a brow, “You would enjoy the challenge?”

“Languages aren’t challenging. To me they’re like puzzles and codes, but you get to speak them too,” Hagen replies confidently and it’s the most confident I’ve heard him sound about anything since… well, I believe, ever. But then he falters a little as doubt seeps in, “At least, they never used to be.”

“And they still won’t be,” I promise as I slide a hand over the back of his neck.

Hagen tenses at first, his entire body going rigid before it yields. He goes limp, sighing deeply as he relaxes into my hold, and my support. I resist the gnawing urge to lower my fingers and scent him, knowing that would be a step too far and instead, gently rub my thumb over his nape.

I begin to work on a knot I feel beneath Hagen’s skin, applying pressure as I rub circles and Neo growls his approval. No scenting without Hagen’s say-so, just this, until he tells us to stop. Only Hagen doesn’t say to stop.

My heart stutters over itself as Hagen quietly keeps writing, not pulling away or telling me to stop. I feel like a child with a candy bomb, one that I’m anxiously waiting to go off while simultaneously never wanting to let it go.

“I’ll go with Turkish,” he whispers as he writes it down. “It’ll be a good way to kick back in.”

That sparks a question in my mind, “How many languages do you speak Hagen?”

“I know a little bit to survive off of, about six, but fluently?” He asks as he glances up at me. I nod and he seems to hesitate a little before he speaks again, “Four. English, Mandarin, Spanish and French.”

My fingers still where they are on his neck and I hear myself suck in a breath as I stare at Hagen.

“French?” I repeat, my heart no longer hammering in my chest but pulsing.

Hagen’s eyes dart between mine, wide and a little cautious, “Yeah.”

“Since when?” I ask, needing to know. Needing to know how, and when, and why. By the Gods, I needed the why.

He shrugs, looking down at his book instead of me, “I mean, I was always learning, with you at first and then I just carried it on over the years.”

“How?” I ask, and though I know I sound demanding, this was me trying my hardest not to blurt out the million questions swarming my mind.

“Books, TV, classes,” he replies casually. “I did a few night classes in my first year.”

“Why?” I ask, finally because I’d waited long enough. “Why French?”

Hagen’s eyes remain on his book, his fingers spinning the pen between them. He doesn’t reply, which was in itself alarming because even when Hagen was avoiding something, he chose something snappy over silence every time. Every time except this time.

“Pup,” I whisper and his face crumples with annoyance and surrender.

“Why do you think, Nikola?” He snaps as he finally looks at me. “Why do you think I’d learn French?”

“I want to think you learned it for me,” I reply as I push to my feet and stand between his legs. “I want to think that you did it because you knew how much it would mean to me. But if I think that, then I’ll think about what that means. To me, it means that you learned it, even when you didn’t want me, that you still thought there was a maybe for us.”

Hagen’s lips stay shut, but his eyes are clear as day as he looks up at me. I stare back at him, at this person I loved so much, this being that always stole some new part of my heart as his, even when I thought he’d already claimed it all.

“L’as-tu fait pour moi?” I whisper as I slide my hands to his face, holding him gently, not daring to part. “As-tu fait ça pour moi, mon coeur?” (Did you do it for me? Did you do this for me, my heart?)

I have my answer before Hagen speaks it. I know it by the way his gaze shifts from frustration to longing, from the way his brown eyes glow when I call him ‘my heart’ and the way our bond burns so hot it’s nearly painful.

I know my answer so I’m already falling when he whispers, “Je l’ai fait pour toi.” (I did it for you).

My lips find his desperately, because I need him to feel how this thing— small to him maybe, but cataclysmic to me— was tearing me apart from the inside out.

I kiss Hagen tenderly, perilously, earnestly, restlessly. I kiss Hagen as if I might waste away if I didn’t— I felt as if I might. At this moment, I felt as though if I didn’t let Hagen feel how much he’d just altered my world, I might lose it all.

And he lets me. Through short breaths and heart-aching groans, he lets me share it all, even as I feel tears spill from his shut eyes, as they do mine.

As we part, I rest my head against Hagen’s and try to find some semblance of restraint as Hagen breathes roughly against me, his hands grasping as tightly to my arms as I do to him. I couldn’t let him go, I could never let him go.

I needed him the way the ocean’s tides need the moon and all the realms needed life, because without him, I’d be nothing at all.

“À chaque fois que je crois que mon amour a atteint sa limite, tu me prouves le contraire,” I whisper while my heart chases after his. “Tu sais ce que tu m’as fait? (Every time I think my love for you has reached its limit, you prove me wrong. Do you know what you’ve done to me).

“Quelque chose de vilain,” Hagen muses quietly and my knees buckle, truly. I have to lean against him to stop myself from falling to my knees for him.(Something bad)

“Never speak English again,” I beg as I press a kiss to his cheek. Hagen giggles and the sound is like honey, so I kiss him again. I feel his smile against my skin and his joy in my heart, and I’ve missed it so much that I feel tears welling in my eyes again.

I knew this wouldn’t last— this moment, this perfect morning we’d shared because it was too soon and too good after all the hurt— but for now, itwasperfect and I would savour every moment of it I could before it was taken from me, until the day we could reclaim them as normal.

We couldn’t have this as we were, so for now, I continue kissing every inch of Hagen I can while he giggles and squirms, pulling me closer even as he begs for me to let him goin French,and I fight the rest of the tears that try to spill free.

Not now, but soon.

——————-

Loving these guys has put me in the most toxic relationship of my life, because I need them even though all they do is play with my heart 😭

Thoughts?????

Thoughts on the morning after??? On Hagen’s thoughts on everything???

Thoughts on Nikola’s reactions??? His POV??? The little brat/dom dynamic we’re starting to see more of??????

I mean, something quivered when Nikola said ‘look at you’. I legit had to close my laptop lmdaoooooo and Nikola is stronger than me. I would’ve had Hagen laid out on the floor the moment he started speaking french.

MAJOR SHOUTOUT TO @FireBirdie94 for helping me with the French Translations!!! I hope it sounded more natural for the french speakers here! Thank you again my precious humannnnnn ❤️

With all that said, I sincerely hope you guys enjoyed this chapter!!!! Vote and comment if you did!

It was such a blast to write and I’m glad I was able to get another Control chapter out this month!!!! Next up is Patreon Extras!!!!!

Until next time,
Byeeeeeee Humanssssssss