DOUBLE UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE FOR BEING PATIENT, I WANTED TO GIVE YALL SOMETHING ON THIS SPECIAL MONTH BEFORE NIKOLA’S BDAY! ENJOY MY HUMANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Nikola’s POV

When I returned from a trip, after Dad and Ma did their checks to make sure I was okay, we usually sat down together and caught up. I would share all I’d learned while I was away, and then I’d listen when they filled me in on what I missed.

We would talk. We also laughed, and did it all peacefully.

Hagen’s family did not do this. They couldn’t do this, for they were insane.

“Everyone back up! It’s my shot!” Damon booms as he sways from side to side with his fingers locked tightly around the dart nestled between them.

“Hey! Hey!” Jayson shouts with a pointed finger at Damon’s feet. “You’re over the line!”

Damon tries to protest but Jayson drops down with agility that defies his weight and leans in close as he points at the edge of Damon’s toe. He jabs it before looking, “You’re over the line.”

Damon grumbles as he drags his foot back, planting himself properly behind the length of tape plastered to the floor.

“Ignore them,” Julian coaches, flanking Damon’s left side. “Just get the dart in and this round is ours.”

“Ours?” Aiden echoes with a hearty laugh. “See how they switch sides, Will? No damn loyalty.” He whispers while rubbing Will’s shoulders. “I bet he doesn’t even remember your name anymore.”

Will huffs as if exhausted, but he was participating in this willingly. More than that, he took his taunting seriously whenever he saw a chance to squeeze it in.

“Are we doing this or what?” Hagen asks while he squirms at his post beside the dart board.

Damon’s eyes narrow to slits as he lines the shot and nods. Hagen spins the board as he’s meant to before he races back over to my side to watch from here.

I had witnessed many play darts and had taken part in a game or two myself. Never had I encountered a game where the dart board spun.

Damon rocks his hand back and forth twice before he launches it forward. The room quiets as the others hold their breath in anticipation, and as they do, I soak in the brief moment of utter silence. I picture empty, boundless space, and savour the dream for as long as I can before the dart meets its target and the chaos unfortunately erupts.

“YES!” Damon howls, turning to meet Julian’s waiting palm for a high five.

“Boo!” Aiden shouts, prompting Jayson to join in.

“Yeah, boo!” Hagen adds at my side.

With his father, grandfather, and uncle all booing, it only takes one look around before Kane joins in. He screams and shouts with a small frown, banging against the floor in protest. Levi tries to calm him to no avail.

“You hear that, Damon?” Julian asks as he closes his eyes and cups a hand to his ear.

Damon hums as his eyes glow, “Yeah. That’s the sound of victory.”

The room ignites while I pray to Goddess for salvation.

Loud. These people were absurdly loud.

I had always known how cruel they could be to their vocal chords in their pursuit to speak over one another, but witnessing such an activity and being forced to endure it from within were two very different things.

Only now did I see that all the time I’d spent in their company, with others present, were when they were on their best behaviour. They had to be, because this… this was madness.

“It was a lucky shot,” Will dismisses as the protests die down.

“Don’t be a sore loser, William,” Julian chides with a wicked smile. “It doesn’t suit you.”

Will’s nonchalance slips as one of his brows twitches, prompting Julian’s smile to grow. I sigh as I watch Will’s competitiveness spark to life. There went one of the few remaining sane individuals among us.

“That’s 10 for us,” Damon says to Peter who’s already lowering his notepad to Elijah’s level, holding it steady so that he can jot down the two digits. When he finishes, he beams up at Peter, and the pair share a smile with a freedom I had not managed to grasp.

After the initial reintroduction, they’d added us to the afternoon meal, in which they’d spent the duration clambering over one another like a pack of jilted animals. They’d hauled questions across the table at us, seeking answers to what had occurred while we were away. Hagen had taken the majority of the hits for us, before vaulting his own questions about all he’d missed while we’d been away. By the time lunch had concluded and they seemed sated by our answers, I’d assumed that would be it. We would slowly spread apart, and Hagen and I would claim the rest of the afternoon as our own.

Wrong. I had been so very wrong.

I didn’t know how we’d gone from a meal to a high-risk game of darts, but we were here now, and I was a disinclined part of it.

“Move out the way,” Aiden snaps as he shoves the bodies around the makeshift scratch line away to usher Will in like royalty. “Give the man his space.”

“Why does he need all that room?” Levi asks from where he jostles a now-tame Kane on the floor. “He can’t even see.”

“You can and yet you’re the weakest link on your team,” Will retorts without missing a beat. “You should worry about yourself before you worry about me.”

“I worry about you, Will, ‘cause you can’t even see the scoreboard, let alone the dartboard,” Levi jabs back. I stare at him, bewildered to hear such words from his lips, but it seemed that Will and Levi’s usually-amiable relationship took a particularly nasty turn when they were on opposite teams.

“Enough chit-chat,” Aiden grunts with a booming clap before he turns and pins his black eyes on me. “You have to spin.”

I lift a hand only to rouse a wave of horrified outcries.

“With your hand!” Aiden snipes, his black eyes wide with incredulity. “What kind of psychopath are you?”

I sigh and withhold my comments as I approach the wall. The quicker I complied, the sooner this would all end. I take a firm hold of one of the board’s firm edges before forcing it into a hard spin. I barely step away before Will sends the arrow flying.

The dart lands in the centre, and once again, the yelling starts anew.

“You look like you’re dying,” Hagen whispers as he slides his arms around my waist the moment I’m within reach.

“That’s because I am.” I mean it, but Hagen laughs as he rests his head against my chest and surveys his anarchic family members.

“You should be loving this,” he teases as he peeks up at me. “You’re the most competitive person I know.”

“It’s darts,” I deadpan while I comb my fingers through his hair. Hagen raises a brow. “It also helps that I am on the winning team.”

“I bet it does,” Hagen mumbles as he fixes me with a cheeky smile. It’s alarming the way my heart seizes in my chest as if it’d been tased. More than that, I’m slightly concerned by how much I enjoy the sensation, immediately yearning for more. “We can leave soon.”

I blink past my enthused thoughts. “No, no,” I dismiss despite my magic surging at my fingertips to take us away. “You have been away for a long time, you should enjoy your time with your family.”

“I have,” he whispers before glancing at the gaze of raccoons masquerading as cognizant beings. It was Jayson’s turn now and Damon was being just as stringent with the tape-line. “We’re only going to get worse from here. If you want to make an escape, now is the time.”

Oh, how I wished I could, but for Hagen, I could endure the torture of vociferous social interactions for a little longer. I knew he meant his words but I also knew that he missed his family greatly, and while he might be at my side now, he was itching to join the fray.

“I believe your turn is coming up,” I remind with a pat on his lower back. “You need to focus. It won’t help you win, but you should still try.”

Hagen’s eyes spark with visible irritation while his lips spread in a thrilled smile that sets my heart ablaze. I feel his gratitude wash through me a moment before he leans forward and brings his lips to mine. I groan low as I kiss him back, suddenly starved for more after an afternoon spent without even a peck. Hagen’s lips move over mine as his fingers fist my shirt, keeping me close, as if I’d ever let him go.

Pleasure rattles through me as I grip his waist, starting where our lips meet and then unfurling like wildfire as I try to contain myself. I wanted more, desperately, but this was meant to be— had to be a chaste thing, except restraint was something Hagen and I were yet to learn.

“Oh my.” Hagen pulls away, his dazed eyes widening as they shift to the source of the voice. Julians stares at us, gawking like the others at his back. They’d stopped their infighting to stare, and now they all just stood there, watching.

I barely manage to stop myself from kissing Hagen again, if only to extend the bout of silence.

“Hagen just kissed Nikola,” Aiden reports with a pointed finger like an astute child telling on the rest of their classmates, only one of these classmates was his son.

“On the lips,” Jayson announces with an owlish blink. “They just kissed, on the lips!”

“We shouldn’t stare,” Will states, but that does not stop him or any of them. They all gape at us like they’ve never seen such a thing before, but as their dramatics ascend, I realise, they haven’t seen us do it.

I had kissed Hagen more times than I could remember — a startling notion to realise— but never once in the company of his family. They had never seen us be so intimate before. Added to that, Hagen had never been so unabashedly affectionate in their presence.

I find myself soon staring at Hagen as well, stunned to realise what had just happened. The castle, where he knew no one, was one thing, but this was his family. I thought he would be more reserved with me around them, shy even, but what a fool I’d been for ever doubting him.

“Yeah, I kissed him. He’s my mate,” Hagen declares brazenly despite the way his neck and cheeks burn with self-consciousness. “We’ll leave if you keep being weird.”

“Okay, wait. Everyone stop,” Julian scolds with sudden seriousness. “We’re not losing Nikola.”

“Yeah, sure. Choose Nik over me,” Hagen retorts with a testy scowl.

Julian only shrugs, “He hits bullseyes every time. I don’t know what you want from me, Hagen.”

“Yeah, hopefully you got some of those skills through osmosis,” Aiden adds before he wrinkles his nose. “Wait, no. Ew.” Shaking his head, he beckons me with a hand. “It’s your turn.”

Before he can overthink it, I push Hagen forward, and with a smile on his face, he goes, letting his family pull him into the madness again.

I watch him closely, greedily, memorising the way his eyes light up with every tossed shot, tracking the way his cheeks fill in with each of his smiles, and the way his freckles shift on his face as he laughs.

Hagen was so lovely when he was happy, and witnessing it made enduring any discord entirely worth it. My musings came to a halt however when I feel heavy eyes on me.

My eyes slide across the room and land effortlessly on where Josey stands just beyond the furthest doorway. Outside of the stark conversation she’d had with Hagen when we’d first arrived, she’d barely spoken today. She stuck to the outskirts, not pouting but quiet, detached, and with her eyes on me.

I was used to being the focus of Josey’s watchful eye when she was around, but this was different. Before, there was that underlying hatred, that disgust and resentment that I’d accepted I would have to work on eventually. To have Hagen meant to get along with Josey. She was the one sibling that was a non-negotiable when it came to us, and there was no choosing between them. If Hagen did not have Josey, her love and support, then he would crumble.

Hatred, I knew how to face, but Josey did not look at me with hatred now. She didn’t glare at me like she used to. There was only resigned understanding in her eyes, and that, I did not know how to deal with.

“Nikola,” Alex calls, commandeering my attention as I look down to where she stands at my side. “Are you okay?”

“Yes,” I answer before I duck and extend the barrier around me to her as well.

She steps closer, smiling gratefully before she says, “I asked because you feel different.”

“Different?” She nods. I tilt my head as my curiosity flares, “In what ways?”

Alex’s brows dip as she ponders carefully, taking the time to gather her words. Sometimes, Alex chose not to speak at all, if she feared keeping others waiting for a response, but she knew me. She knew that I would always wait for her.

“You feel like Christmas,” she answers after a little while, giggling as she does.

It’s such a strange analogy that I do not know how to reply at first. “Christmas?”

She nods quickly, jostling the clear baubles tied around her two puffs. “You feel like Christmas morning, when we wake up and everyone’s excited. Dad’s already up first so the music is playing, and then Papa gets us!” She bounces on her toes, growing more giddy as she speaks. “And there’s presents and hugs, lots of hugs a-and it’s the best ‘cause everyone’s so excited and happy.”

Huffing, Alex glances wistfully at her fathers, giggling at the sight of them arguing in their game before she glances at Taylor. Alex’s smile grows when she spots her splayed over the sofa, half asleep with a marshmallow in her mouth. Finally, she looks back at me and nods.

“You feel like Christmas.”

I stare at Alex, too stunned for a moment to speak as my mind threads together what she was saying. To Alex, Christmas was happiness. It was warm feelings in spades, and it was the closest thing she could think to compare to how I felt now after Hagen and I had bonded.

I felt like Christmas to her, and how divine that was when one knew precisely how much her particular brood adored the holidays.

“Is it because of Uncle Hagen?” She asks, sounding hopeful.

My smile comes of its own volition, “Yes, it is. We’re together now.”

Alex’s lips part on a long gasp, her brown eyes twinkling with a startling amount of delight, “Like dad and papa?”

I nod, “Just like that.”

Alex’s hands lift quickly to cover her gasp, but it hardly helps as she dances on her toes. She was usually so reserved, especially in large groups, but here she was, so excited on my behalf.

“Oi!” Aiden calls, drawing our shared attention. “Stop that cute shit and come throw. It’s your turn.”

Pinching Alex’s cheek, I smile at her, “I’ll be right back. I have to go win this and put them out of their misery.”

“Woahhhh!!” Damon bellows over a stunned cacophony of laughter.

“He didn’t just say that,” Aiden denies, shaking his head as I approach. “I know he did not just say that.”

“Nikola?!” Will mirrors with wide eyes.

“Everyone, meet Competitive Nikola,” Hagen drawls with a half-hearted glare. “Wait until we pick a game he actually likes. Then you’ll meet the real monster.”

“I did not see that coming, but I welcome it,” Julian replies with an appreciative smile. “Come wrap this up, Nikola.”

I stop before the tape and tug the dart embedded within the board free with my magic. I spin it between my fingers before I turn, meeting their burning gazes and knowing in this moment that I could let them be, or stoke the flames. It only takes one look at my enlivened mate to make a decision.

I strengthen the barriers around me to protect myself from the incoming noise.

“I will take an extra step back, to even the playing field,” I muse as I face the board. “Though, I doubt it would have much of a difference.”

I’d never envisioned myself to be an anarchist, but as the dart sails from my fingers and hollers erupt at my back, I can not deny that I am the root of it. I also can’t deny the amusement teeming in my chest, flickering inside and warming it from the inside out. Not quite Christmas, but close. Very close.

———————————

“Get it, Wreck! Get it!”

The kitten does as it’s prompted, leaping from the bed to reach the feather Hagen shakes above his head, and Hagen cheers as if he had not spurred that very reaction.

“You cute monster! I’ve missed you! I’ve missed you so much!” Hagen coos as he tosses the feather aside and cuddles Wreck for the fifteenth time since they’d been reunited.

Wreck had been in the similar state that Knots might slip into if Ma wasn’t giving him enough attention, a natural hibernation that would not end without the trigger of his owner. Hagen had barely stepped within his room before the kitten was up, rousing with a tiny yawn that had Hagen on his knees before he was even with him.

The kitten had mewled wildly, Hagen melted, and the pair had been inseparable ever since.

“Look at this face!” Hagen coos. “It’s so fucking fluffy!”

“Yes, so fluffy,” I mumble while I duck beneath the desk to plug his laptop’s charger into a free port.

“You’re not even looking.”

“I know what he looks like, Hagen,” I reply calmly. “I rather focus on setting us up, that is, if you still want to do this.”

“Of course I do,” Hagen replies, on his feet now and sauntering over with Wreck in his hand. The kitten licks his nose as he looks at me and I can’t help but stare as Hagen scratches at his head. They’re nothing alike, and yet… there’s something strangely appropriate about the two of them together. “I get my own spot?”

“We will be more productive this way,” I reply as I step back to make sure that we are properly spaced. I wanted Hagen close, but I did not want his elbow knocking against mine. “I intend to find our answer tonight.”

Hagen’s brows lift, my statement surprising him for some reason but I can not imagine why. I hated unsolved problems, but more than that, I hated living in a reality where I did not know something about my own mate.

While the afternoon with his family was admittedly fun, I had not forgotten my original objective, and now that we were alone, there was no reason to waste any more time.

Pulling his chair back, I point a finger, “Sit.”

Hagen wavers for a moment as if deciding whether or not he wants to listen, but he does once he realises there’s no real reason not to. He slips into his seat before settling Wreck in his lap; I do the same.

“So what should I search?” Hagen asks as he clicks through his computer, opening a new tab to match mine. “Why do I cry after sex?”

“You don’t cry after sex,” I dismiss as I look at him. “You become emotional and somewhat incoherent.”

Hagen leans over his keyboard, narrating as he types, “Why do I get emotional after sex?”

I eye him but bite my tongue. I knew even without our bond that this was embarrassing. Hagen might be growing more comfortable with us and our dynamic each day after all these years of denying me, my age and gender, but I imagined it was rather difficult for him to contend with the state that all those factors rendered him in.

“‘The intensity of an orgasm is accompanied by a strong surge of mood-enhancing chemicals such as oxytocin and dopamine – but then a rapid return to baseline can drop a person’s mood so that they feel sad’.” Hagen reads aloud in a monotone voice before he glances my way. “So it’s post-orgasm bliss, just not… with the bliss part. Post-nut blues?”

Eyes narrowing, I read the term added to the rest of the text before typing it within my own search bar — Post-Coital Tristesse (PCT).

Hagen leans over as a multitude of results pops up in quick succession, starting with the very first.

Post-coital tristesse (PCT), also known as post-coital dysphoria (PCD), is the feeling of sadness, anxiety, agitation or aggression after orgasm in sexual intercourse or masturbation. Its name comes from Neo-Latin postcoitalis and French tristesse, literally “sadness”.

“Well, that was easy,” Hagen muses as he sinks back into his chair and idly pets Wreck. “At least I’m not the only one.”

“Of course, you’re not,” I reply, looking solely at him now. He tries to look away, but I tilt his head up by his chin and claim his gaze as mine. “You were never alone in this. Even if we found no results, it would be me and you.”

Hagen wilts and drops his gaze to my chest, “I know, but you’re not the one with—” he glances at the screen, “that.”

“No one said you have ‘that’,” I remind him, pinching his chin until he looks at me. “We do not even know what it is. We’ve only just begun.” I rub my thumb over his lip, “Be patient, pup.”

Hagen’s eyes glaze over, turning pliant before he blinks and forces a nod.

“Look into postcoital dysphoria in men, I’ll look into the distinct causes.”

With instructions laid out, Hagen gets to work. He’s stiff as he does so, his body caged with tension, but when a sliver of my magic wraps around his neck, he unwinds. The tips of his ears burn, but I don’t comment on it and neither does he.

Between the pair of us, it’s not long before we have a based understanding of PCD. It was a lot more complicated than the first definition had suggested. For one, the causes behind it were mostly a mystery. There was no single set of triggers for why people experienced it, but the most common assumptions that kept reappearing were body dysmorphia, sexual trauma, and mental health issues. None of these things matched Hagen, but he did match many of the symptoms. When I separated us after our mating, he felt sad, alone, and empty, all of which were listed from various sources.

“It matches up,” Hagen drawls as he drags his chair closer to lean against me. It makes it harder to type and impossible for him to do the same, but he doesn’t seem inclined to look any further. “I think this is what’s going on.”

“Perhaps, but there are inconsistencies,” I reply while I continue reading the paper in front of me titled ‘The Manifestation of PCD’.

“Like what?” He grumbles while he wraps his arms around my right one. He latches onto it as if he’s trying to drag me away from my laptop. I don’t think he is, at least not consciously.

I give the limb over to him, placing my hand over his inner thigh while I scroll with my left. “None of the possible sources of it align with you.”

“Maybe I have mental health issues,” he mutters while he toys with my fingers. “Maybe it’s messed up in my head, and we don’t know.”

“I would know,” I reply before continuing. “And everything related to PCD ends with depressive moods. You were distraught after I separated us, not after the act itself.”

“That’s barely a difference.”

“But it is still a difference,” I retort before closing the tab of the paper. It had only proclaimed more of the same. “I say that because when it happened prior, you weren’t sad. Your mood was far lighter.”

Hagen hums and I know he hears me, but doesn’t believe me. He already thinks he has PCD and he might, but while I’m prepared to deal with it if he does, he recoils at just the thought.

“Hagen,” I start, but I don’t get a chance to finish as he stands suddenly, relinquishing my hold on him.

I’m terrified for a moment that he’s upset and I’ve missed it, but when he places Wreck down, he doesn’t leave. Instead, he climbs into my lap and settles himself in the small space he finds there. My arms hover while I watch him slide his thighs over mine, enveloping me in his warmth and his scent. It’s dizzying enough as it is before he leans back and presses his back to my chest so we’re glued together. Hagen pulls my free arm over his stomach, locking it tight with both of his before he finally releases a deep breath.

Once he’s comfortable, I pull him even closer, breathing him in as the wild hunger that would always be present for him feasts greedily on his presence. My magic wraps around him, travelling up his legs and over his entire body until it burrows deeper, traversing beneath his skin. Hagen sighs as we breathe in together, relishing in the heartening thrum that rushes through us, passing from one to the other in a perfect loop.

I press a kiss to his cheek, “Do you want us to stop?”

“No,” Hagen replies quickly. “I mean, not yet. I’ll let you know if I do. Is that okay?”

“That’s perfectly fine,” I promise, adding another kiss to alleviate the anxious nerves I could feel churning within his veins.

“Thanks,” Hagen mumbles before he settles in, making himself small while I carry on the search for the both of us.

Hagen follows along closely, his breath hitching with every minute thing he reads until I squeeze his stomach and kiss the nape of his neck. I note every reaction, attuned to every spike and drop of his heart rate, watching carefully for when it might be too much.

We should stop here — Neo advises, his voice gruff with unease — it’s scaring him.

Hagen’s scent had soured a little, but he was still relaxed against me, but Neo was right. He was scared. I didn’t want to stop— I hated the prospect of leaving our questions unanswered, but I hated the thought of making my Hagen miserable, more.

We should have prepared for this — I confess as guilt crests within my chest.

There was no way to know that we would find results that would distress him — Neo dismisses simply, never one to waver on matters that could not be changed— We know now, and we won’t make the same mistake.

I hold onto his words as I tighten my hold on Hagen. I would take him to bed and hold him until he relaxed against me, kiss him until he fell asleep in his arms, and make him his favourite breakfast in the morning.

“Let us stop here,” I whisper against the shell of his ear.

Hagen twists enough for me to spot his frown, “No, we don’t have to. I’m okay.”

“I know you’re not, Hagen,” I reply gently, but he still winces as he looks away. “It’s okay. This is a lot.”

“We can look a little longer,” Hagen protests as he sits up, pulling away from my touch to get closer to the screen. The distance is enough to make my skin itch with discomfort so I follow after him, pressing close so that we’re both perched over the laptop. Hagen takes over the mouse to scroll hastily down the search results before clicking to the next page and doing it all over again. “I don’t want to stop yet.”

“Hagen—” I start, only to pause when my eyes track over a fleeting title. “Wait.” Hagen’s scrolling halts. “Go back up.”

Moving slowly, Hagen complies until I spot the linked video near the bottom that had caught my eye.

‘The difference between Sub Drop and Post Coital Dysphoria’

My heart drops and then promptly leaps within my chest. It bangs against my ribcage as a rush of apprehension and excitement suddenly sails through me.

“That one,” I state, pointing at the title.

“Sub Drop?” Hagen reads slowly while his heart races to meet mine. The mouse hovers, still as he wavers. His lips part, perhaps to deny me, but then he clicks it.

The video starts with an introduction from a sex therapist who promises to explain the differences between the two terms, as well as their similarities, but we don’t get that far before our world is turned upside down.

“Definitions first,” the perky man says as two words pop up on the screen. “Post-Coital Dysphoria is a phenomenon where individuals feel sadness, anxiety, and irritability after consensual sexual activity. Sub Drop, on the other hand, refers to the emotional and physical drop that a submissive partner might experience after an intense BDSM scene shared with a dominant partner.”

Hagen’s breath hitches, his body suddenly tense again, and I can hear the alarms sounding in his head like they’re my own, but he doesn’t move— not even an inch, and neither do I. We stay perfectly still, listening with rapt attention while our hearts beat a tune so cruel it hurts.

“For the submissive, this drop can include feelings of sadness, exhaustion, and anxiety due to a decrease in endorphins and adrenaline that was elevated during the BDSM scene. This can include feelings of sadness, exhaustion, and anxiety, which can be managed with aftercare and communication with a play partner.”

I pause the video. I have to because this is already so much and they’d only just begun.

As if released from a spell, Hagen sucks in a breath the moment it stops and immediately tries to escape. He strains against me and this time I don’t stop him. I let him stumble to his feet and take several steps back. I let him put distance between us, watching every step as he does without chasing him.

This was Hagen’s automatic response to fear, to things that alarmed him, things he was not prepared for. He tried to run from it, and in the past, I chased him down. I always would if I had to, whether he liked it or not, but I already knew I would not have to in this case. Sadly, he did not know that yet.

Hagen’s frantic gaze shifts between me and the screen. He looks at me, waiting for me to say something or maybe give him answers, but I don’t. I leave this completely in his hands.

“Why are you so calm?” He asks, or rather snaps.

That was his second ingrained instinct— lashing out.

“Why are you so scared?” I retort while I lean back into the seat, keeping my legs spread so that he knew I was ready to hold him again when he was ready.

Hagen’s fists clench at his side as he tries to crack a humoured smile, but it barely forms. “Do you know even what BDSM is?”

“Not by the definition,” I admit while I watch him, never wavering, not even to blink. “I know it relates to sexual practices of a certain nature. But we can search it up, after we finish the video.”

“You want to—” Hagen starts on a hoarse laugh. He takes another step back, “You want to look into this, seriously? You think it’s this?” He asks, gesturing to the screen. “‘Sub Drop’.”

“I don’t know,” I reply calmly. “We’re doing research. It might be.”

“Bullshit,” he retorts quickly. “You think it’s that?”

I did, and so did he. The only difference was the prospect was one that terrified him.

“Let us finish the video, Hagen.” I lift my hand, leaving it open for him.

Hagen stares at it, at me, and there’s a certain level of dismay in his eyes that I hate to let fester, but this was not something we could run from. He could, but I would not, and as we were so thoroughly interlinked, that was not an option.

Hagen’s brows dip, his face contorting with his discomfort as he takes another step back. The distance strangles my heart, squeezing it until my magic surges at my fingertips, desperate to drag him to me, but I don’t let it.

He had to come to me. He had to get the ball himself.

We stay apart in the quiet, each holding our ground, but this was one matter I was not going to let Hagen best me in. He would break.

I wait. Patiently.

“This is crazy,” he whispers and I don’t know if it’s to me or himself, but it doesn’t matter, because the next step he takes is towards me.

One step at a time, he carefully closes the horrible distance between us, bringing us together as we should be. I watch his approach, barely breathing as I wait for the moment he’s within my reach, too close to run away again, and then— I grab his hand, pulling him in the rest of the way. Hagen gasps as I bring him back into my lap, only this time, I don’t give him another chance to escape. I squish him against me, burying my face in his neck and sinking my hand into the space between his legs.

“Nik,” Hagen whimpers as he squirms, fighting for freedom, but I don’t give it. I wrestle him back into place as my magic pushes the chair against the table so that he’s caged between it and me with nowhere else to go. When he squirms again, I squeeze his fat cock until he whines and finally stills.

Hagen pants against me, and this close, I can hear the blood pumping through his veins, but he stops fighting. I wait until he gives, until his body relents, and the moment he does, I reward him with a kiss on the cheek before I press play on the video.

The man continues by outlining the similarities shared between the two terms, including a sudden shift in a person’s emotional state following an intense, sexual, physical activity. The difference was that Sub Drop was specifically related to BDSM, where it was anticipated and understood.

That’s when he begins speaking about Aftercare.

There are various forms of Aftercare, the process of providing emotional and physical support after a ‘scene’ is completed, to help the submissive and the dominant transition to a more neutral state.

The man lists several of them, including recounting the scene together and rehydrating, but that’s not what makes Hagen’s cock jerk in my grasp. It’s the ones that he recognises, the ones we’d already done, like cuddling, verbal affirmation, and sleeping together. That’s what has Hagen’s cock straining against my palm.

The video ends, but this is only the start for us.

Hagen’s laboured breaths puppeteer his chest as he stares at the screen, at the words printed across it. I don’t look at the screen, I look at him. I stare at him while I carefully decipher the whirlwind of thoughts crashing through him.

There was the fear, still strong and ever present, the hollow uneasiness of being lost, and above all else, the curiosity that eats away at him because he feels the same thing I do. This is it. It doesn’t matter that we’d only just started, or barely scratched the surface. This is it.

Leaning against Hagen, I open a new tab, typing in four letters.

“Nikola,” Hagen whispers, begs, but he falls quiet when an emboldened set of words appears on the screen.

Bondage and Discipline. Dominance and Submission. Sadism and Masochism.

My mind quiets, whiting itself out to make room for these words and these words alone.

I know myself well enough to recognise what’s occurring, or rather, what’s about to occur. A new fixation. A new obsession. A new interest I would not be able to sate until I learned everything about it.

I needed to understand its origins, its evolution, and everything in between so I would best know how to conquer it or fit it into my life, because that’s what I had to do— what we would have to do.

Bondage and Discipline. I loved restraining Hagen, almost as much as I loved watching him follow my instructions.

Dominance and Submission. He was already branded with my marks, including an omega mark.

Sadism and Masochism. I was not a sadist. I did not like hurting others and the thought of hurting Hagen sickened me to my core, but how I loved to steal the air from his lungs. Better yet, how I love to do so while he clawed at some part of me.

How strange that a set of words already in my vocabulary could so quickly alter my perspective of the world when they were arranged in a new fashion.

“Nik,” Hagen whispers, his voice a trembling mess.

“Do you need to stop?” I ask while my eyes stay fixated on the words on my screen and the plethora of tabs waiting to be explored.

I didn’t want to, even more than before, and now I ached to continue, but I would not if it was too much for him. I would push him as far as I could and test his limits, but I would not go beyond them. Hagen came first in all things.

Hagen breathes quietly, his silence blaring as he clutches my hand, desperately seeking some kind of anchor in the middle of his turmoil.

“If you need to stop, we’ll stop,” I promise as I press the most gentle kiss I can beneath his healing mark.

Hagen shudders, releasing a soft whimper that does horrible things to me. I struggle to push my quickly mounting lust away, but it’s inconsequential with the taunting words plastered across our screen— a waiting portal to what I could already sense was everything— and his weight so perfectly settled over my crotch.

It’s been too long. I knew it was only a handful of days since I’d been inside of him, but I already ached to fill him again, to spill inside his tight hole and feel him clench around me as he found his own release.

“I want—” he starts, but I don’t let him finish.

“Not what you want, what you need,” I correct against the shell of his ear. “Do you need to stop? Yes or no, pup.”

Hagen groans, and it’s a wrecked, strained thing that shouldn’t excite me as much as it does. I ignore the reaction, however, as I force myself to breathe easily as I wait for him.

It’s a minute later before Hagen twists, bringing his cheek against my nose as our eyes meet. His burn, teeming with fear and excitement, unease and longing, and so much lust I can’t help but groan.

“No,” he whispers quietly. “I don’t need to stop.”

It’s music to my ears and all I need to hear.

I claim his lips as mine, slipping my tongue between them until he moans into my mouth and spreads his legs in search of more. Only that would have to wait. I pull away slowly, parting us only because I have to, and as Hagen slumps against me, I press another momentary kiss upon his lips.

“Good boy,” I praise as I bring us upright once more so that we’re facing the array of results awaiting our exploration. “Now, pay attention. We’re doing this together.”

Hagen’s cheeks heat but he nods against me, pliant and sweet. So very sweet.

I click the next available tab, and together, we dive back in.

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Nikola reminded me why I feel in love with him with this chapter

Thoughts????????

Thoughts on the family scene?? on cute Alex??? on the research!!!!!!!

WE HAVE OFFICIALLY ENTERED THE BDSM STAGE AND IM GEEKED THE FUCK OUT!!!!!!

Anyway, it’s a double update, so keep going and leave any thoughts you can!