Nikola’s POV

I wake to lips trailing over my neck and fingertips caressing my chest. The pleasure it ignites makes opening my eyes a taxing struggle I can barely best, but I try. When I do, I catch a fleeting glimpse of brown curls before Hagen’s lips slide over mine.

My eyes fall shut again as reality braids itself into my softest dreams.

It tastes strangely like toothpaste.

Hagen pulls away too quickly, drawing back to give me pecks that are hardly sufficient in fulfilling my fresh cravings for him, but they are enough to ward off the panic that begins to stir as my brain wakes enough to register that I was yet to brush my teeth.

“Mhmm… Okay,” Hagen hums as he pulls away completely, forcing my eyes to pop open. I find him immediately. He hovers over me, his brown eyes alight with his pleasure as he leans closer to whisper, “I just needed a little something to get me through the morning.”

I feel myself frowning while his fingers sweep my unruly hair back.

“What’s happening?”

Hagen giggles and what a beautiful sound it is to hear at the start of one’s morning. It’s so lovely that I forget my question entirely as I stare up at him, greedily soaking in the warmth of his laughter.

“It’s Thursday, Nikola,” he reminds me before pecking my lips once more. “Thursday means Turkish classes in the morning.”

“Oh. Oh, yes,” I mumble as I try to wipe the sleep from my eyes.

I sit up— or try to. I barely get a hand under me before Hagen is pushing me back down. My frown returns in quick order.

“I already had breakfast, you don’t have to make me any. I left your half in the fridge,” Hagen reports while he straightens. “I was just saying bye.”

Hagen jumps from the bed as if his words have not brought a large metaphorical cloud over my head.

I sit up, successfully this time, and only then notice that while I was still mostly naked beneath our webbing sheets, Hagen was freshly showered, fully dressed and already plucking his packed backpack from the floor.

“I missed the morning,” I whisper, equally horrified by this reality and myself for causing it.

I never missed the day or woke up ‘late’, but apparently, I had and Hagen, the one I trusted more than any other, had not sought to mend that fault. He had literally left me to lie in my failure.

“I did try waking you, but you were dead,” Hagen defends while he steps back. “I guess last night was too much.”

I scowl. “It was not.”

Hagen tongues the inside of his cheek while a devious smile stretches across his lips. “Are you sure?” He asks in a teasing purr.

“Quite,” I growl, and as my mate’s giggles rise once more, he leaves me reeling between annoyance and joy.

Was this what poets meant when they spoke of syruped torture?

If so, they needed to use better words to explain that it was not the sweet coating that drew one to temptation, but the fact that the sweetness was interlaced with the pain, so one could not pry them apart. Not that I would ever dare, even if I knew how.

I would forever take the torment my Hagen chose to inflict on my mind once it was coming from his heavenly hands.

“Whatever you say,” Hagen replies before he checks his wrist for the time. “I got to go or I’ll be late.”

“You don’t wear a watch, Hagen.”

“Your letter is downstairs! Okay, love you, byee!” Hagen rattles out before he disappears with a wave.

I stare blankly at the space he’d filled while irritation and pride wrestle within me.

On the one hand, it was lovely to see that he was taking punctuality serious and was adapting better to channeling the parts of my magic that were open to him, as my father was teaching him to do. On the other hand, I had planned to cum inside of him before he left for class and he’d stolen that opportunity from me.

Syruped torture indeed.

———————————

As promised, my letter waits on our kitchen counter beneath the pepper shaker. It was in the shape of a cactus and Hagen absolutely adored it.

Void of any more patience, I eagerly eliminate the space between me and my treasure and unfold the cream paper like a Calderon on Christmas.

Day 38 of trying to live up to your letter to me,

When I say I love you, I really mean to say that I love the way you have to cross your legs before you start to read, and how you blink three times when you’re confused.

I want to say that I love the way you stop to stare at any full moon you see and your unwavering dedication and loyalty to the penguin species.

I want to say that I love the way you speak about your magic and anything else that’s lucky enough to gain your interest.

And because I’m lucky and yours, I love the way you count my smiles, the way you hold me, and kiss me and love me.

I mean to say a million things and one million more whenever I say that I love you, but there’s never enough time ‘cause I always end up kissing you before I can get a single one out.

So forgive me for being greedy and know that I love you.

Your Hagen

My heart tumbles within my own chest, slumping as it loses its form and melts from the liquid heat of love that engulfs me.

I stare at the page— my eyes glued to each carefully crafted letter. Hagen had been in a rush, it was clear by the looser edges of each word, but he’d still taken the time to write my letter and in it, put together words that almost ended my life.

Hagen called this day 38 of trying to live up to the letter I’d given him on his birthday, but for me, this was the 38th day I found myself fighting for my right to stay alive simply because my mate’s love was too much.

To my Hagen,

I sought to give you something on this special day of yours. Something that just might encapsulate the love I harbour for you, like your letters do for me. Only, I have never been good with my words as you know and even so, there is not enough time in this lifetime or the next to express my devotion to you. Still, I will try.

You, Hagen, are the very brightest light this world will ever know and I thank our Goddess above each day for letting me stand at your side. Your radiance knows no bounds, your heart no limit.

Our journey to this point in our lives was not an easy one, but I can promise you that I would do it all again, if it meant that I would have this again— The gift of loving you and spending my favourite day at your side.

All I ever wish is to stand by you and be with you. You’ve given me this gift and so, I shall give you everything your heart might desire, on this day and each that will follow.

I will cast in your life and your heart, the same light you’ve cast within me.

I hope that on this special day, you feel my love for you in my every word and action the way I love your light.

Happy Birthday Hagen

Yours Eternally,
Your Nikola

Despite Hagen’s words as far as I was concerned, each of his letters bested the one I tried to put together for him because they were written, undeniable daily proof of his devotion for me, and he’d always had that from me by just drawing air.

Meows and hisses from the doorway draw my gaze to where Knots and Wreck play a dedicated game of cat and ‘snake’ within the heaps of Knots’ scales. He darts his head up at random spots, encouraging Wreck to pounce and give chase until he disappears again.

I watch them for as long as it takes my heart to put itself together. Twelve minutes later, I let the excess of my love flood into our bond and link, lighting it on fire that Hagen would feel its burn wherever he is.

Only half a minute passes before my phone buzzes in my pocket.

My Hagen: Stop it. I can’t concentrate like this.

Chuckling, I reply with a heart before I open the other messages waiting in my inbox.

My phone remained silent for all notifications that did not come from Hagen, so unless I looked for it, I never knew if someone was trying to reach me.

Between Jacob’s demand for yet another movie night and a less than humorous image from my father, waits two messages from Damon.

Damon: Here you go. Good luck.

The second is a number that I do not hesitate to call.

I had no concrete plans today and this was something I’d been meaning to do for quite some time now.

“Who is this?” Josey snaps the moment she picks up.

“Nikola,” I reply, holding the phone a little further from my ear.

“Shit!” She curses, making me frown. “I was going to come over first but now you get all the brownie points for reaching out first.”

I blink three times while I try to compute what any of that meant. I understood the phrase ‘brownie points’ but I could not imagine how anyone would give them to her if she showed up to our home unannounced. If anything, they’d be taken away.

“I wanted to talk to you Josey,” I say after a moment.

“Yeah, same here,” she replies while something plastic squeaks on the other side. I turn the call to speaker. “I’m free today if you are.”

“I am,” I reply, though even as I speak, my heart strangely sinks within my chest.

I recognise the feeling as nervousness, but there was no reason for me to feel nervous.

Though I had only wanted to set up a future talk today, I would not have made the call unless I was prepared for it, which I was. Being prepared was supposed to negate nerves, not induce them.

And it could not be because of Josey. I already had Hagen, if anything, I should have felt nervous for every interaction I had with his twin in the past, not this one.

The difference is, it was all up for grabs before — Neo explains while he thwarts my attempts to batter the unwelcomed feeling. Now that you are settled with Hagen, the chance of something disturbing that peace is more upsetting.

I suppose — I agree while I twist my lips to one side — but I will not come to that. I won’t allow it.

Measure your replies, listen to hear and not only to reply, and I believe it will be alright.

“So?” Josey prompts into the silence. “Today?”

“Yes, today,” I agree while I ruminate Neo’s advice. “I am going to have breakfast and that I will come. I should be there within the hour.”

“Cool,” Josey replies, sounding strangely neutral. “Use the front door.”

Josey hangs up, saving us the unpleasantness of an awkward goodbye and I happily make a proper start to my day.

Breakfast turns out to be a watermelon slushie, and several deconstructed sandwiches my mate had left sectioned for me to put together.

Me: Thank you for breakfast.

My Hagen: Anytime❤️

I eat happily with Knots and Wreck at my feet before I do as I’d pledged and head for the Heil-Calderon residence in search of one of their youngest.

I choose to walk as my challenge at something new for the day.

Since my mate had given me the task of building a life for myself outside of him, I had been trying my best to do so, though it was as hard and impossible as I’d first imagined it would be. But I was doing it— slowly but studiously.

Each day, I challenged myself to think of or actually do something new, with the hope that one day, the irregularities might spark something dormant within me.

So far, much to Hagen’s equal chagrin and delight, I had spent an entire day simply floating in the endless silence that was space, treating myself to the beautiful nothingness without letting myself worry too greatly that he might loathe my absence. He had, but he’d also somehow been extremely proud as well.

It was a strange practice, but an admittedly nice one as well.

I enjoy my journey. I enjoy the late autumn air, and the familiar scenes of my pack’s busy streets that are quiet enough for me to walk on without my barrier.

My people, wolves and witches alike, travelled and spoke amongst themselves while they carried on with whatever tasks called upon them for the day. I observed them silently, as I always did, but some strangely met my eyes, smiling while others sniggered. Both their reactions were odd when Hagen was not at my side to receive them, but I do on his behalf as best as I can, feeling a new warmth inside of me where the pack bond lingered.

All the time spent outside of the pack had created in me a greater appreciation for it now that we’d properly returned home. The last year, I had known many homes, but none had ever felt quite as right as home did.

The feeling was even stronger now with my parents here as well.

They’d made their return in the midst of Haagen and my’s pack clean up last month. Ma said she’d done so solely to watch me labour for the first time, while Dad had been candid and admitted that they’d simply missed our home and their friends.

While I had not been present for any of their interactions past Hagen’s birthday, by my parents’ report, they’d managed to piece together the foundations of their friendship with Julian and Aiden. Ma said it had been difficult for them each to share where they’d been hurt but that it’d been ever harder to admit to all the places they each went wrong with Hagen and I.

It was still upsetting to know that we were the cause of any strife between them, but there was nothing we could do beyond what we’d done already. But we had not needed to.

Things were on their way to being right again— no better.

Ten minutes later, I spot the outline of the Heil-Calderon residence and thank Goddess for it.

My spontaneous act for the day had been to walk to my destination. I would never do so again.

At the door, I take a moment to collect myself and catch my breath before I erect my barrier and knock on the front door. Waiting patiently on the other side, I count how many times the wind causes the leaves to ruffle – six – before the door swings open revealing a golden-haired and blue-eyed Julian on the other side.

He frowns deeply, forming a Gregory between his eyes that makes my heart once again perform that unsavoury sinking feeling.

Dear Goddess, I hope that did not turn into a habit.

“How many times do I have to tell you that you don’t have to knock, Nikola?” Julian asks as his Gregory grows larger. “You can just come in.”

I blow out an audible breath of relief that turns Julian’s frown into a soft smile.

“Sorry,” I mumble while I try to contend with the happiness that blooms inside of me at the reminder that I was now, once again, welcomed in this home.

“Habits are hard to break,” he allows as he steps back and waves me forward. “Just promise you’ll at least try to break it?”

“It feels wrong to just enter your home, especially without Hagen,” I admit while I step inside and immediately unlace my shoes. My eyes flick to my waiting cubbyhole and a familiar ache flares within my cheeks.

“It won’t eventually,” he replies while he gently closes the door behind us, standing close while I tuck the shoes away and slide on the house slides he’s purchased for me. “At least, I hope that it won’t.”

Straightening, I meet Julian’s carefully smile with a hesitant, but true one of my own.

Things had changed since Hagen’s birthday. I suppose they’d changed when we’d started planning the surprise all together, but either way, the relationship I had with Hagen’s family— specifically his parents— had improved in leaps and bounds since then.

Once Julian had been a villain in my mind, the man who wanted to keep me away from my mate by a force I could not deny, but I could not see him like that anymore. He was not so scary when he was happy and he was happy because I was making his son happy, and there was no more blame or resentment floating around us all.

I did not think that they’d ever feared me— maybe they had feared my feelings for their son and what I’d do to have him— but Aiden and Julian had always been tense around me. I had never known that until it stopped.

I’d certainly witnessed them happy and jovial over the years but somehow, I had never quite computed that they had been on guard even in those instances. Always watching, always ready to act should they need to for their son.

The instinct was likely still there, as I imagined it was for all their children, but it had quieted significantly as of late.

They trusted me now. I believed they did, or at the very least, they were learning to. They most definitely accepted me which was… surprisingly lovely.

Of course, I’d always wanted Hagen’s family to approve of us— our imagined future was always simpler in my mind if they did, but I had never imagined how lovely their acceptance might have felt should I have it.

I knew my own family’s love— abundant beneath the surface, unquestionable even if all might not see it, but the Heil-Calderon’s were different. Their love burst from their foundations like a spring in a desert that never stopped pouring. Its waters were warm and nourishing and it felt like one of Hagen’s most gentle hugs.

I found myself growing more attached to it with every encounter.

“I will try to enter without knocking next time,” I eventually vow, earning one of Julian’s brighter smiles.

“That’s all I ask,” he replies before he sets his hands on his hips. “So, what brings you around?”

“I’m here to see Josey.”

“Josey?” A new voice echoes as heavy footsteps approach. “Why the hell would you come all this way to see that tyrant?”

Head turning, I meet Aiden’s pitch black gaze that dances with humour. He wears an oversized grin and a far too tight apron that has lacy frills at the bottom.

I stare at it.

“When your grandkid gets you an apron for women as a gift, you wear it and you don’t correct them,” he states plainly as my gaze finds his again. “I don’t want to be judged by you. You’d put on a tutu if Hagen asked.”

I feel my brows knitting as I face an undeniable yet appalling truth.

Aiden cackles as he slings an arm over his mate’s shoulder, slotting them together like two puzzle pieces.

“So? The tyrant?” he prompts.

“We’ve been meaning to talk,” I explain. “Today is the day for it.”

“Oh?” Aiden retorts curiously, his dark brows rising high. “Well, I guess good luck and try not to blow up the house if it turns sour.”

“Aiden,” Julian scolds with a pinch to his mate’s side that makes him howl.

“What? You survived Hagen-geddon too. You know what he’s capable of.” Looking at me, he adds, “You have no idea how hard it was trying to keep Hagen’s friends calm before your mom wiped their memories.”

“Except he does, Aiden,” Julian groans while he rolls his eyes. “He does, because you keep bringing it up.”

“I’m a survivor,” Aiden scoffs with a self-affirming nod. “It’s important that I tell my story.”

Julian and I stare blankly at him, sharing a mirrored expression of exasperation within the silence that follows.

“…I am going to find Josey,” I announce as I take a step away from the pair. “This was… something.”

Aiden snorts and Julian smiles just a little as they nod.

“We’ll get there eventually,” Julian promises as he watches me depart, and I understand with ease that he is referring to some kind of special relationship between the three of us, like the ones they shared with Will and Jayson.

I nod, feeling my lips stretching into a smile. This one comes with no hesitancy.

“I hope so.”

Suddenly, they’re both beaming and I have to walk away, if only to stop myself from getting drenched beneath the spring’s overflowing waters.

Memories flick through my mind, both good and bad, as I climb the bifurcated stairs, turning left in the direction of Hagen’s childhood room. The hardest memory does not sting nearly as much as it used to as I make the climb. It might have, perhaps, if I were to focus on it, but there was no need for such a thing when both my past and present self adored the future we’d found.

The familiar hallway holds three rooms, the middle of which clothing pours out of like lava overflowing from a fissure. I shift my gaze from it, hoping that was not my destination as I stop outside Hagen’s open bedroom, the one he’d shared with his sister for most of their lives.

The room is surprisingly empty with one of the two beds inside perfectly made, while the other— Hagen’s is dishevelled as if it’d been used. Had Hagen been here recently without my knowing? Impossible.

Continuing onwards, I grimace as I approach the room with the clothing on the floor. I’d never ventured past Hagen’s room, but I knew the room at the end of the hallway was Julian and Aiden’s, which left the one in the middle as Josey’s abandoned bedroom.

I stop just before the threshold and force myself to look inside.

Josey is in her room if one could call it that. Goosebumps immediately climb over my skin as I pass a fleeting gaze over the explosion of clothing inside, but even short, the glance is torture.

There are clothes everywhere— covering every inch of the floor in heaps, hanging off the tallest items, piled on what had to be a bed and even, in one occasion, stuck to the wall.

I’d never known it was possible to be disgusted by clothing, but now, I find myself swallowing as my stomach turns uncomfortably.

“Why are you doing this?” I ask as I turn and plaster myself against the outside wall so that I’m facing the plain, clean wall opposite me, rather than the disaster at my back.

“Oh, hey,” Josey calls from inside– was she inside? I barely remembered seeing a body in there. “I didn’t realise you were here.”

“Why are you doing this?” I ask again while I rub a hand over my chest ot ease the tightness there.

“Shit sorry. Hagen said you weren’t good with messes and stuff,” she mutters this as she moves inside, presumably towards me. “I was planning to meet you downstairs but I lost track of time.”

I step away from the door, all too happy to escape and sure enough her steps draw closer without the accompaniment of odd fabrics being squished together. I turn carefully to face Josey, who stands in front of the chaos of her bedroom, her hair tied back and her hands on her hips. She looks like a muscled version of Julian for a split second.

“Are you good? You look like you’re about to throw up?”

I do not admit that I almost had as I point a finger toward the room without shifting my gaze.

“Why—”

“The Academy only allows you one truck— one fucking trunk and nothing more,” she finally answers with a familiar scowl. It comes without the usual loathing she adopted whenever I was near. “They say you shouldn’t even need that cause we use uniforms but that’s straight bullshit. I could barely fit half my shoes in one trunk.”

Looking into her room, Josey mutters a fresh string of curses while I simply remain quiet.

Nothing I could say would help because I frankly thought that was more than enough for clothing, but then again, I hadn’t even seen a trunk inside that pigsty.

Eventually, Josey looks my way again and sobers, seeming to remember why I was here. Her brown eyes flick over me, reassessing and though it’s not filled with animosity, this feels more familiar.

“Come on. Let’s go to Hagen’s room,” she suggests as she steps past me. “It’s less chaotic in there and we’re less likely to catch Dad peeking.”

It registers too late that that was an attempt at a joke.

At my silence, Josey’s cautious stare stiffens into something uncomfortable and awkward. This I know because her expression contains an altered replica of Hagen’s squinted eyes when felt the same emotion.

“Okay,” I reply when I realise she’s waiting for a vocalised response.

At times like this, I found myself reminded of how difficult I found it to speak with others outside of Hagen. It was usually easier if I was familiar with the person, and I was familiar with Josey, and yet, I find myself recapping lessons on proper social etiquette.

Josey moves first, still eyeing me before she leads the short distance to Hagen’s room. My eyes zone into Hagen’s bed, meaning to make that my resting place for this conversation, but Josey dumps herself on the unmade bed, leaving me standing ideally in the centre of the room.

Josey stares at me.

Okay. Well, I wasnot going to sit on her bed, and fighting her for Hagen’s bed would be socially unacceptable, so…

I craft a seat from my magic, and as I seat myself directly across from Josey, I use a touch of magic to gently close the door behind us.

As quiet as the click is slotting into place, it feels like the fall of a judge’s gavel in a courtroom. The already tense space becomes even more strained as Josey and I stare at one another.

I was not eager for this conversation and she seemed to feel the same, but like her, I knew it was an inevitability best dealt with now.

Still, it was not easy to start.

In situations like these, Hagen usually opted for the truth, even if it was uncomfortable to house. Seeing as he lies at the centre of this, I opt to do the same.

“What Hagen and I have now, we both worked very hard for, but it also came about because I apologised for my actions in the past.” As I speak, I keep my eyes on Josey, but only out of respect. I don’t try to gauge her reactions, knowing that would only leave me lost. “For months, when we first began dating, I thought I was with my actions— or had, but I had never actually said the words, and that had caused more issues than I might ever truly know, so with you, I want to make sure that I do not make the same mistake.

“Josey, I am sorry,” I say the world firmly and clearly as I hold her gaze. “I am sorry for all I put you through just being at Hagen’s side. I am sorry for, in ways, derailing your life as well. I am sorry for any fear I cast inside of you and I am sorry for making you feel helpless.”

Josey stiffens at my last words, paling slightly in a manner that makes me frown with confusion.

Perhaps that had been one of those things a person did not acknowledge aloud, but I thought it best to address the root of this.

I had been the first person to introduce Josey to helplessness, and I did so through the person she loved most.

“I am sorry,” I repeat as I intertwine my fingers within my lap. “For all the ways I hurt you. I am sorry.”

There was more to say— I wanted to speak to Josey about what might make her more comfortable around Hagen and I, but Dr Otu said that in important conversations especially, it was essential to wait for responses.

I wait for Josey’s while my heart beats uncomfortably within my chest and a bead of sweat gathers at my forehead. I wipe the offence away while I wait.

Joesy stares blankly at me, her expression unreadable in every aspect outside her paled skin and her eyes. Josey’s eyes were alight like Hagen’s had been this morning, only instead of joy and love, hers harboured fear and something shaken.

“I can go at any point if this is too much,” I offer into the mute after my hands become unfairly slippery.

“No,” she dismisses as she slowly shakes her head. “I’m just… taking that in. I didn’t expect you to apologise.”

“I always planned to,” I assure her. “From the moment I truly understood that I owed Hagen an apology, I realised that I owed you one as well. I was simply looking for the right time to deliver it, but as I’ve learned with Hagen, there is no right time. He needed to hear it and I thought that you might be the same.”

“I guess I am,” Josey replies as she stares at me, but it feels as if she’s looking through me. “I didn’t realise it, I guess ‘cause I never expected to get it so maybe that’s why I’m so… but thanks for that.”

I nod, and take a moment to breathe with one step done.

“I… I never wanted to hurt Hagen,” I add because that is something that I want her to understand. “I wanted him… too much when I was younger, but that’s all I wanted— him. Hurting him was something I did and saw as a side effect because of that. I just… I wanted to hold onto him.”

“Sometimes it felt like you did,” Josey reveals as she folds a leg under herself. She wraps her arms around her knee as she looks assiduously at me. “Sometimes it felt like you wanted to punish him for not wanting you.”

My brows pull in a little closer as I think of that.

“I may have,” I admit as I look around the room I’d so often peered into. “I used to talk about this with Dr. Otu— Dr.Otu is my therapist— and I definitely felt resentment at a point. I was hurt and angry with Hagen and everyone else for keeping us apart, so I could have wanted to punish him, but not hurt him. It… those two concepts are not so simple in my mind. They are different.

“When I was younger, some of the retaliations were not done on purpose, it was my magic’s reaction to my emotions and I could not control that. Other times, I didn’t understand the gravity of what I was doing. I did as I grew older, but even then… it was hard to separate wanting to pain to stop from inflicting it onto him.”

Silence is my answering call which is more than surprising.

I expected many and endless rebuttals from Josey coming into this, but they do not come. While she sits only four paces from me, Josey does precisely what Neo advised me to do by listening to hear and not only to give a response.

She is listening to me, actively, even with all the ways she loathes me.

“Hagen’s tried to explain that to me— kind of,” she says after a moment. “Your side of things, I mean. He says we only saw our side of things for years, but that you suffered too, in your own ways.”

“You do not agree,” I surmise, but she peculiarly shakes her head.

“I do. I think he forgets sometimes that I was there through the bad, but I was also there for the good too,” Josey replies with the barest hint of a smile as she looks at Hagen’s cluttered nightstand, the one that held so many secret trinkets inside. Josey stares at it as if she knows they’re there. “I remember when you were friends, best friends, and me and you used to fight ‘cause you hated that I was closer to him as his twin.”

I blanche, “I do not remember this.”

Josey cocks her head back with a loud laugh, “Ha! Oh, yeah, you did. You before the age of four absolutely hated that you didn’t share blood with Hagen ‘cause you didn’t know about mates, and you thought family was it. I was his twin, so it was the one thing I had up on you. I used to remind you all the time that I was the only one to ever share every single second with Hagen and it used to send you fucking mental. You’d cry all night and all day. I had to stop cause Hagen would get all pissed at me for making you cry.”

While Neo cackles unhelpfully in my mind, I try to fight against the blood vessels trying to heat my face.

Somehow, Josey is nowhere near finished.

“You used to sleep over too. Right here,” she pats the mattress beneath her with a wistful smile. “You used to throw a fit if we stayed up talking after you fell asleep because you didn’t want to miss a second of anything Hagen could’ve said.”

“I don’t remember any of this,” I say again, but this time it’s barely a whisper.

My earliest memories held happy moments between Hagen and me, but they’d started far later than the days Josey spoke of.

“We got along. I used to tease you, but… we got along,” Josey continues softly. “We all did, then… it…” she sighs, running a hand over her face as she shakes her head. “You lost that young, so yeah, I can see how from the other side, you suffered. I don’t want to, which I know sounds fucked up, but it’s was a lot easier when I saw you as the bad guy.”

“Coping is simpler when complex feelings are not present. In media, people often support the hero because they are privy to their story, but they also often support the villain once they see their stories as well,” I agree, which makes her laugh for some odd reason. I continue nevertheless with my point. “I understand why you would not want to see my side.”

“But I do,” Josey clarified quickly. “I do and while it doesn’t erase everything, it makes it a lot easier to cope–” she laughs again, “with it.”

I nod, pleased with this.

The web that was Hagen and my lives was a complicated and never-ending one. It had caught many people within it, but Josey had been the one ensnared the longest.

“I think the hardest part of it all was knowing that you loved him,” Josey mumbles drawing my attention once more. “I knew you loved him, more than any of us, and I used to think, how could someone love someone so much and still hurt them so much.”

I duck my head, feeling fresh shame well inside of me.

“No— shit. I’m not trying to make you feel bad,” she sighs, unfurling her hold on her leg. “This isn’t a therapy session. Or is it? Is this how they fell? I’ve never been.”

I register far faster this time that this is a joke and it is for what it is— an attempt to clear the air.

“Yes, but with more questions,” I reply carefully. “Dr. Otu would be proud of how easily I’m talking about my feelings without prompt.”

Josey snorts a small laugh, just like Hagen’s, and I find myself relaxing automatically.

“I didn’t even know you went to therapy until last year,” she mumbles after a moment. “I overheard Damon talking about it with Will.

“I started young but continued because I wanted to better myself for Hagen.”

Josey’s weak smile forms again, but she doesn’t reply.

“Josey, I wanted to talk to you so I could figure out how we could be okay— for Hagen,” I deadpan, feeling slightly more comfortable now. “I know it is unlikely that there will ever be a reality where you like me or approve of Hagen’s relationship with me. That is not something I am particularly desperate for, but it is also not something I do not want. If it doesn’t happen, I want us to be cordial, at the very least.”

“I think we’re managing cordial here, Nikola,” she replies in a deadpan.

“Yes, about that— you are being far nicer than I expected.”

“Woahh,” she choruses with a laugh. “One therapy joke and it’s all on the table.”

“Yes,” I reply honestly and she snorts again.

Would it be rude to ask her to stop doing that because it reminded me too much of my mate?

Yes — Neo disappointingly confirms.

“I’m leaving in a week,” Josey states as she rests her hands on either side of her. “I won’t be able to look after Hagen when I’m gone and I didn’t want to leave here at odds with the one person who can.” As she speaks, Josey sobers with her eyes darkening a fraction. “Does it suck that that person is the one I used to protect him from? Honestly? Yeah, like hell, but you’re not going anywhere whether I like it or not. So I’m here, trying to figure this out— for Hagen.”

I find myself smiling at that.

That was a simple truth, put plainly and I liked plain truths because it helped me work out the starting ground without trouble.

Shifting once more, Josey arms herself with a deep breath before she continues. “I understand that you’re sorry and that you’re not exactly that person anymore. I also get that you’re not the only one who messed up. Hagen fucked up, our parents fucked up, and you got hurt loads too. Everybody fucked up, so holding a grudge against you alone isn’t fair.

“With everything that’s happened over the years, sometimes that’s hard for me to accept, but I’m working on it. Letting that go is to take time for me— but that’s my own shit. At the end of the day, your relationship isn’t mine and Hagen can make his own decisions just fine. He chose you, every time he had to— he chose you, so like you, while it’s hard for me to ever imagine us being close, it’s not something I don’t want either. So I guess… we’re good.”

“We’re good?” I echo, my shock an audible thing.

“Yeah, we’re good,” she replies with a loose shrug. I stare at her, not attempting to mask my raw surprise. “What?!”

“I don’t understand how you feel this way already,” I admit.

“It helps that over the last few months, I’ve seen my brother happier than he’s been in years,” she replies with another shrug. “I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen Hagen so happy without alcohol, but he is. He barely drinks anymore, he’s acing all his classes, he doesn’t just lounge around all day, and he’s actually excited about his future. That’s all you— we all know it, so yeah, Nikola. We’re good.”

Often, I felt pride at how far Hagen had come, especially knowing that it’d been by my hand, but for the first time that pride takes the very air from my lungs as the praise is delivered by another and the most unlikely of sources at that.

“Then— we’re good,” I manage after a strained breath. I swallow and try again, “Thank you, Josey.”

Nodding, another almost smile tugs at the corner of Josey’s lips as she looks me over. “Just keep him happy and we’ll figure out the rest, Nikola.”

With that, she slaps her hands against her thighs before she pushes to her feet. “I’ve got packing to do and I know you hate small talk so—”

I immediately stand, grateful for the respite and an amicable end to the conversation I’d been wrongfully fearing.

“Thank you for talking to me,” I say, stopping her before she can take another step. “And for listening.”

“Thanks for apologising,” she replies, her expression vulnerable for a fleeting moment before she masks it. “And I guess I should apologise in advance for all the times I’m going to be reminding you from now onwards that I’m Hagen’s twin and I have memories of Hagen you never will.”

I feel my expression fall as Hagen’s evil twin sparks strangely familiar resentment inside of me.

“I can see now how you upset me as a child.”

Cackling, Josey walks past me, heading back to her mess of a bedroom while I follow her into the hallway. “Bye, Nikola,” she calls from over her shoulder with a wave. “Good luck with the parentals.”

“Goodbye, Josey,” I reply as I watch her go until I’m left alone in the hallway.

Against all my expectations, it had gone exceedingly well— far better than I’d expected and Josey and I were good.

We were not suddenly friends or close, but at least I knew now without a shadow of a doubt that when we were together, she would not be glaring at me. We had a peace of sorts arranged which would make Hagen so happy, but before that, that… that made me happy.

Smiling to myself, I mean to take myself home with a mind that ideally wonders about Josey’s last words.

“Nikola!” Julian’s shout answers my question for me. “Wait! Don’t leave!”

A familiar face comes bounding up the stairs as Julian rushes towards me as if he is being chased.

“Is something wrong?” I ask, a frown forming quickly. “I do not hear Aiden choking.”

“What? No, nothing’s wrong,” Julian replies with an amused laugh. “I just wanted to catch you before you went and invite you to spend the rest of the morning with Aiden and me if you want? I’m making Aiden back, but he’s promised to watch how loud he gets and you don’t have to talk if you’re tired after you talk with Josey.”

I blink at Julian, lost beyond measure in this random moment I had not at all prepared for.

Had I ever spent time alone with Hagen’s parents? Not that I could recall. I had never wanted to, but I also was not opposed to it.

Usually time with this family scares me because of the noise, but I could handle two, especially with the promises attached, right? Or was I being drawn in by the springs?

“You don’t have to,” Julian clarifies. “But we’re making scones and I know—”

“I will stay,” I cut in before I can think better of it.

“—how much you like scones,” Julian finishes with a little laugh. “And I didn’t even have to tempt you with Hagen’s baby albums.” My eyes widen and Julian laughs again, “Yes, I’ll bring those out too.”

Sudden excitement lurches inside of me and I step forward without prompt, much to Julian’s visible delight. He leads the way and I follow.

This was not how I planned to spend my day.
This was another spontaneous and strange thing, but I found that I very much liked it.

The walking I would not do again, but perhaps eventually… it would be easy once more to enter this home without knocking.

Yes— this was very different from all the futures I had planned for Hagen and me, but it was also so much better.

————–

guys… my cheeks hurt

Thoughts???????

this chapter damn near killed me oh my God!!!! did anyone else feel like they were seeing glimpses of little Nikola with some of their interactions, oh my God!!!!

Julian having special inside shoes for Nikola— uGHHHHH
Josey making fun of Nik at the end and talking about their old relationship —- I’m a mess
Fucking Aiden and Julian wanting to spend time with Nik and greeting him so nicely when they didn’t even know why he was there – FUCKING SHOOT ME!!!!!!!!!

Don’t even fucking get me started on the letters!!!!!!! These bum fucking bitches being all cute when they’re not even together!!!!!!!!! SCREECHING!!

Your Hagen and Your Nikola are taking me outttttttttt

I CAN NOT FUCKING BREATHEEEEE

The way this conversation between Josey and Nikola was everythinggg to me, I fucking LOVED IT. I love it so much I want to reread it for life. I want extras on her perspective. I want to hear more about how it must’ve felt for her to have to be afraid and helpless.

No fucking wonder she feels an ingrained need to be strong

oh josephineeee

a/lnrt5hnk53qty

Okay okay, let me relax.

What a fucking start to Control month, my heart is sooooo full and I can’t wait to reread this book!!!!

A sneak peek of Chapter 74 is up now on Patreon and my website for the Gold Tier. The chapter will drop for them tomorrow!

Until next time,
Byeeeeeeee Humansssssss