A/N – so I wrote this entire thing to ‘Where do I go from here’ by A Year on Earth. I HIGHLY recommend playing it on repeat throughout this chapter, but if not AT THE VERY LEAST, I think listen to it for the final scene.

I left a * where you should start playing it.

The song is in the Control Playlist on Spotify!

Enjoy 🥹❤️

———–

Nikola’s POV

“So,” Damon starts as he leans back into his leather chair.

I fold one leg over the other. “So.”

Damon’s lips quirk up as he swivels to the left. He taps his finger against the chair’s armrest and stares at me. His blue eyes dart studiously between mine, even while the pleasure dancing within them gives him away.

Finally, he stops dragging this out for his sole amusement and asks the question.

“How are you?”

I could not count the number of times Damon had asked that question while I sat exactly where I was— in one of the chairs situated on the opposite side of his desk.

In the beginning, it used to anger me because the answers had often been the same— tired, hurt, annoyed, fine, surviving. Even knowing that, Damon still asked the question.

Twice a week when we’d first started, and then three times when I turned 12 and enduring each day started feeling like a chore.

Eventually, we’d shifted to meeting whenever I needed him, and there were periods in my life when I needed Damon more than I wanted to admit. During those times, Damon made himself accessible to me no matter what.

I’d always appreciated that.

I’d also appreciated the fact that Damon was the only one in my life who seemed capable of genuinely understanding me, even if he did not always agree with my actions. Even as a child, I’d known how special that was.

I’d clung to it, clung to him, and now, here we were.

Years had passed, yet here we sat as he started with the same question, but I didn’t loathe it this time.

“I am… happy.”

Hundreds of responses swarmed my mind, and though ‘happy’ is the simplest way to describe the joy that shrouds my heart these days, it’s also the only one that genuinely encapsulates the feeling.

“Happy,” Damon echoes as his smile widens into something giddy. Still tapping his finger, he asks, “You know how many times you’ve answered with that over the years?”

I think on it for a moment before I shake my head.

“Twelve,” he replies. “You’ve only said it twelve times. Something big had to happen for you to use it, otherwise, you’d hoard it away until the next special occasion.”

“Something big did happen,” I remind while thumbing the red string knotted around my finger.

Hagen had tied it there last night to soothe me after I’d gotten upset with him for tugging a loose string from his shirt after an hour spent swatting his irritable fingers away. It had been to calm me while he’d climbed onto me and lathered me with kisses, but even after the moment had passed and he’d sunk into my arms to watch his show, I couldn’t bring myself to take it off.

“I have my mate.”

My entire life, all I’d ever wanted was Hagen Calderon.

He was my world before I even understood what life was. Hagen was my life.

Living without him felt like a punishment; enduring his hatred, torture, and everything in the thereafter had been like wandering through a mindless haze. To have him, I’d planned to do whatever it took, to be whatever he needed, as long as it meant I could have him in my life again. But even that had failed.

In the end, I craved Hagen in ways he would never want, or so I thought.

Now, I had him— had his smiles, his attention. I owned him as thoroughly as I owned his love.

Hagen Calderon was mine.

His heart was mine, his mind was mine, his soul, wants, and desires. It was all mine, and I… I was irrevocably, undeniably his, as I always had been.

“You have him,” Damon replies with an appreciative nod. The joy within his gaze is still there, but now, sparks of pride whirl within them. “And he’s doing well.”

“He’s doing excellent,” I correct.

“Geez, my mistake,” Damon drawls as he raises his hands in surrender. “Hagen is killing it.”

Hagen was more than ‘killing it’. Hagen was absolutely flourishing.

Post-formulating his routine, Hagen started with Turkish classes once a week and then shadowed the pack warriors during their training sessions, but not to join in. He was only to observe to see if that mode of life could be suited to him.

That had been a month ago.

Since then, Hagen had re-enrolled in his university as a part-time Bachelor’s Sociolinguistic student. Outside of his campus classes, he learned Turkish on Thursdays and the pixie language, Eògbeart, on Sundays with my Dad. And two weeks ago, with Damon’s permission and my go-ahead, he’d started training once a week with the pack warriors to increase his endurance and physicality.

I’d been hesitant about allowing the last addition, worried that even slowly filtering it in, it might be too much for him, but Hagen had wanted to start training, and the very last thing I wanted to do was cut him down when he was just beginning to sprout.

It had been the right decision because instead of buckling beneath the added pressure, Hagen had planted his feet and grown stronger.

It was a testament to himself and everyone else that may have doubted it, that he was more than capable of anything he put his mind to. More so, to attaining the things he wanted— and Hagen had found what he wanted.

Languages were the gateway to Hagen’s heart— I’d always known that, but now he knew it too.

Hagen lit up at every opportunity to flex his skills, and he rambled endlessly about every new concept he learned about language concerning social concepts. More often than not, his bag was packed for the following day before I even had to remind him.

Boundless energy surged through Hagen now. He was energetic, curious, and happy. By Goddess… he was so happy.

Hagen had not transformed into something new, but had found his way back to being the light-hearted, enthusiastic wolf I’d loved before I’d fallen for every other version of him.

I loved Hagen in every form he came, but a lie would be told if I said I did not love this version of him most.

“And you?” Damon prompts with a nod. “How are you coping with all the changes? I know you love them, but it’s a lot.”

“It is a lot, but I’m not overwhelmed,” I share while I thumb the skin above my ankle. “I thought with the new house and Hagen’s schedule that I would be, but it is the opposite. I feel grounded.”

“The routines?” Damon hazards with a speculative frown.

“Yes and no. I love routines, and with his and mine, I am very pleased. But around them, I’ve also sliced out something I never entertained before.”

“Free time,” Damon concludes as his frown fades to make room for a fresh smile. “Time to just do shit.”

My nose wrinkles at his phrasing, but I nod.

While Hagen had his life, I’d realigned the pieces of mine and was surprised to find that there was a glaring amount of free time now that I was not thinking about recapturing my mate’s love 24/7.

I continued aiding the pack as I used to, filled in blots of social time with friends and family, and had begun my own training as a pack warrior, but there was still so much time— so much ‘me time’ as Hagen liked to call it.

I discovered that I liked ‘me time’.

I liked having slotted intervals in which there was nothing to be decided or plotted. Time that was mine to do with as I pleased.

Sometimes, I slept. Others, I travelled. I watched shows now, but never Hagen’s animes, not unless I was forced to do so. I practiced spells, floated across universes, read, and of course, when the need was particularly apparent, I shadowed my mate because there was never such a thing as too much Hagen.

Hagen fussed about those times, but even so, whenever they arose, he still sought me out at every opportunity to grin at me.

“Life used to feel clinical,” I admit as I ponder the last few months with fondness. “There were steps for everything, and I was always seeking out the next one. It was like that for years, and I had known that, but… I had never realised how much I’d stopped living. But it’s different now. There’s no need for the plotting because not everything requires a plan.”

I lift my gaze from my string to Damon, who stares back at me with a lax jaw.

“Did you just admit that not everything needs to be planned?” He gasps with added dramatics that seemed inherent to every Calderon.

“Do not start,” I warn, but he’s already raising a flexed hand to his lips.

“I’m shocked,” Damon continues while he blinks at me. “The last time I tried to suggest you wing something, you called me an incompetent chimpanzee.”

“I haven’t called you that in years.” At least not aloud.

“My memory is impeccable,” Damon states with a proud grin that deepens my scowl. He laughs in the face of it before clasping his hands together. “Jokes aside. I’m happy for you. I’m happy everything worked out. The only sad thing is, I guess this means that we’re stopping these meetings?”

Annoyance forgotten, my heart suddenly drops within my chest and steals the breath from my lungs on its descent.

“You don’t need me anymore,” he clarifies when I don’t reply. “You have Hagen. You guys are the ones who decide what’s too much now, so you don’t need me.”

“I will always need you.”

I utter the words the moment the truth materialises within my chest.

There was a chance that I did not, that I might only be clinging to the excuse in an effort to swat the sudden misery that surrounds my heart at the thought of not having these sessions with Damon.

Damon was more than a constant, more than a mentor.

A friend — Neo suggests contemplatively.

Do not be ludicrous.

“We do not need to talk about me all the time,” I amend as I peer at a silent and blank-faced Damon. “We do not need to talk at all— I would actually prefer that. But either way… I would like this to continue, Damon.”

Eyes trained on me, Damon blinks silently as a sheen slides over his eyes.

Fresh alarm surges within me, but this time for an entirely new concern.

“Don’t,” I groan, but it is too late.

The tears spill free, trickling one after the other as Damon silently begins to cry.

“Don’t what?” He sniffs as if I can not see his tears.

“You are supposed to be the strong one,” I complain as I push to my feet. I want to flee, but I in no way wish to risk the wrath of my Luna if he were to find his mate crying on his own.

Rounding the table, I lift the box of tissues that had been posted at the edge ever since Damon and Will had shared the news that they were expecting a third, and hold it out for him.

I look away. I liked Damon— loved even— but that did not mean I wanted to entertain his emotions on a Monday morning.

“It’s the hormones,” he defends while he tugs several free to wipe at his face.

“You’ve always been excessively emotional. Don’t use your unborn child as an excuse.”

Damon cackles before he blows his nose, making me step back with a grumble.

“Sorry,” he sighs once he rises for air without the accompaniment of tears. “I just can’t believe how much you’ve changed. You’ve always been a little shit—”

“That’s rude,” I interject. “Especially when you are the one who has always been annoying.”

“But,” he continues with wilful ignorance, “it’s nice seeing you be… I don’t even have a word for it. It’s like you’re you, but with new, nicer, happier bits.”

“What an impressive display of the English language.”

“Sarcasm,” he points out with fresh excitement. “You’re even being sarcastic.”

Sarcasm used to best me in the past, but in Hagen’s constant presence, I had graduated from being able to identify the practice to being able to execute it.

“Shit, Nik,” Damon sighs as he sinks back into his chair and gazes up at me. “Maybe we did something right after all.”

I part my lips, meaning to tell him that was a gross application of self-praise, only… he was not wrong.

The countless hours we’d spent together over the years had not been for nought.

Damon had sought to make me a better person, to be there for me the way he wished someone was there for him, and for his efforts, I was a far better person than I’d been when we’d first started, and that had not come about without the work we’d both applied over the years.

Resting the box down, I feel my lips twitch as a slow-forming smile stretches across my lips.

“Maybe we did.”

Damon’s gaze lingers on me for a moment longer before he shakes his head and waves me off with sudden seriousness. “You gotta go. I’m emotional and it feels like I’m sending my child off to college.”

“You are not my father—”

“Wait till I tell Will about this,” he continues with a heavy sigh. “But seriously, get outta here. I know Aunty Katty is waiting to see you, and I’m not getting in trouble for holding you up.”

Never one to reject a bestowed escape, I nod and step away from Damon, putting ample space between us so there was no risk of my residual magic making him nauseous when I left. I wanted nothing for Damon but a smooth pregnancy— we all did.

“Oh, and Nik,” Damon calls as my magic gathers at my fingertips. I raise a brow, and once again, he smiles as he cocks his head back. “Happy Birthday.”

—————————————

“Nikola!”

Jacob’s squeal stops me in my tracks as I watch my best friend abandon the grimoire in his hands to dart towards me. A shrieking sound escapes the leather-bound book as it falls, but Mekhi is quick to catch it before whatever spirits lingering inside can escape.

Oblivious to it all, Jacob soars towards me with open arms and a smile so large it looks like it hurts.

I contemplate avoiding the embrace for a second before I remind myself that this sacrifice would save me from interacting with a pouting Jacob for the foreseeable future.

Jacob crashes into me like a freight train, and while my body locks up with resistance, my soul warms at the embrace.

“Happy Birthday!!!” He hollers while he rocks us from side to side.

“It is not actually my birthday yet,” I remind him while tentatively patting his back.

“It’s close enough, and since we won’t have you at midnight, I have to tell you now,” he replies before he finally releases me.

Jacob’s hair bounces as a physical embodiment of his natural persona as he steps back to beam at me.

“Are you excited?” He asks in a hushed whisper.

It reminds me of the days before my last birthday, when I’d been preparing to see Hagen. Only now, I’m in no way nervous to spend my birthday with the other half of my heart.

“Yes, though I am a little worried,” I admit as my brows draw in. “Hagen refuses to tell me about his preparations, but he keeps insisting that it will ‘force me to tears’.”

“And you hate to cry,” Jacob points out. I nod quickly.

“I just hope he takes a picture as proof if you do,” Ma pipes up, pulling our gazes to where she stands beside Mekhi.

They were in the middle of one of their classes— the private ones Ma held only for the two warlocks between us. I would not have disturbed them, but she’d insisted I stop by before I collected Hagen.

“Come here, storm,” she demands, her arms already outstretched to warn me what this is for.

This was one of the things I hated about my birthday. Everyone felt an heightened need to touch me, and to avoid incessant pouting and discourse, I was obliged to allow them. But seeing as my mother was not a physical person herself, I do not dare complain as I trudge towards her.

I fall into her open embrace and wrap my arms around her, hugging her almost as tightly as she hugs me.

She had been different lately. Quicker to smile, to touch, and she always wanted to hear about my day in as much detail as I was willing to spare. All these things had always reigned true in our relationship, but it had increased somehow.

“Are we still on for this weekend?” She asks once we part.

“Yes,” I reply with a smile. “I set a Google Alert.”

Ma’s eyes brighten a moment before she throws her head back with a chuckle.

“You better have.”

I nod before shifting my gaze to Mekhi.

I did not have the relationship with Mekhi that Jacob and Damon had, but after Ma told me that we were to refer to him as an Amorenia a few years ago, I had included him in my personal list of family and loved ones I was meant to protect.

But even so. “I don’t want a hug, Mekhi.”

“Thank the Gods for that,” he replies around a sigh of relief. Chewing a wad of gum, he cocks his head to the side and offers a smile. “Still, Happy Birthday, Nikola.”

“Thank you,” I reply before looking at my mother once more. “Are you not going to tell me Happy Birthday as well?”

“It is not your birthday yet,” she contends as one of her sharp brows rises. “Isn’t that what you just said to Jacob?”

“As my mother, should you not want to impart it on me anyway?” I retort quickly. “A good mother would.”

“A good son wouldn’t be so damn needy.”

“A good mother—”

“Oh, look!” Dad’s sudden shout echoes throughout the Athenaeum as he comes around a column with a tea tray in hand. “My beautiful wife and my wonderful son are sharing words of love and not fighting at all.”

Ma and I share a glare but hold our tongues for Dad’s sake. He hands the tray to Mekhi, who gratefully uses it as an excuse to step away, nodding Jacob along with him.

“Fighting with him before his birthday, princess?” He asks as he steps closer with a smile that contests his words.

I smirk. Ma sees red.

“And you, poking your mother when you know how excited she is for your special day,” Dad scolds, breaking apart my smirk. I part my lips but he shakes his head. “I heard it all.”

Scowling, Ma cackles at me as she slips an arm around her mate, also known as my traitorous father.

“Oh, don’t look at me like that, trouble,” he groans as he pulls me into his free side. I end up slumped against him, but I hold my tongue, knowing the sooner I endure this, the sooner I will be on my way. “Now, group hug before we say bye to our boy.”

“I’m going away for the week, not to war,” I mutter, but my words are muffled as Dad forces us all into an embrace.

Instead of fighting as she usually might, Ma eagerly completes the circle, caging me in between the two of them. Over Dad’s shoulder, I glance at Jacob and Mekhi, silently begging for help. The pair share a glance before they turn their backs on me and quietly fill their teacups.

Traitors. I was surrounded by traitors.

“Isn’t that nice?” Dad groans as he squeezes tighter.

“It actually is,” Ma agrees, adding to the pressure.

…I wheeze…

“Alright, that’ll do,” Dad says, freeing me from their prison of a hug. I immediately step back, shuddering as I put space between us. “Have a good time, be safe, and tell Hagen hi for us.”

“I will,” I reply while I straighten my skewed shirt with a scowl. “You are responsible for Wreck and Knots’ lives in the interim.”

“Yes, we are well aware,” Dad assures. “They’re already playing somewhere in here.”

I nod. “In that case, I will be back Saturday morning.”

“You better be,” Ma replies with a pointed look.

“Yes, yes,” I dismiss while I check my watch. Hagen’s class would be out in five minutes. “Bye. I love you both very much.”

When no reply comes, I look up and find, for the second time today, shock written all over the features of the people who know me best. Only this time, it does not make any sense.

“I tell you I love you all the time,” I defend before they can start.

“The ‘very much’ is new,” Dad points out with a growing smile that matches the tenderness in his eyes. “New, but I love it.”

I glance at Ma, who is now blinking heavily. My chest tightens.

“Ma…”

“We love you very much, too, Nikola,” she replies with a forced smile that tugs at my heart and to her.

I step forward and pull her into another hug. I squeeze tighter this time, and her arms immediately circle me in a vice-like grip I adore.

I was well aware that raising me had not been easy. It could never be when I was an autistic hybrid with too much self-love to consider others’ emotions. Dad at least had experience within a family, but not Ma. She’d been figuring it out as she went along, and sure, there were a lot of fumbles, but she’d never ever— not once given up on me.

Even when she was disappointed, angry with me and herself, she’d never closed the door on me, had never stopped taking my side, even when she shouldn’t have, and that… that, I would never forget.

“Happy Birthday, trouble,” she whispers against the crook of my neck.

“Thank you,” I whisper before I force a kiss atop her head that makes her scowl.

“Alright, go,” she demands, shoving me away. “I never signed up for smooches.”

I shake my head but save her the torture as I step back.

I wave the pair goodbye whilst ignoring the betrayers in our midst before finally allowing myself to teleport to Hagen’s campus.

—

As always, students cross the open space snaking through several of the campus buildings as they head from one class to another.

Some, the wise, use the designated paths, while others, the witless, choose to cut across the lawn with little care or notice. Doing such a thing a few weeks prior would have been difficult, with all the bodies that were strewn across the grass, but the late autumn air and its early setting sun had begun deterring them from doing so.

I liked the colder seasons because they always promised fewer interactions on the outside, but I loved summer the most because, well… freckles.

“Nikola?” A familiar voice draws my attention away from Hagen’s lecture hall. “I knew it was you. Hey!”

Max strolls over with Ruben at his side, the two of them in large puffed jackets. While Ruben carries both of their bags over his arm, Max only harbours an eager smile that I do not mind returning.

I liked Max, always had truly, and in the time since Hagen had learned to love his friend again, we’d grown closer.

I really only saw him when we were spending social time with all of Hagen’s friends, but when that was happening, it was Max who I usually spoke to the most.

“Hello,” I reply as I look between them. “It’s good to see you.”

“You too,” Ruben replies with a nod of his head. “Yuh waitin fuh Hagen?”

I nod quickly, and that makes Ruben’s smile grow even larger.

“He’s been buzzing all day, all week really,” Max reports when I frown at them. “I swear to God, Nik, if you don’t freak out over this surprise, I’m going to kill you myself. I can’t deal with a depressed Hagen when I’m already going to be dealing with a depressed me.”

“Seasonal depression,” Ruben fills in before I have to ask.

“I will try,” I reply, though I’m not sure that is the right answer.

Before I have to determine whether or not it is, the pull of my mate approaching has me turning away from the conversation without another word.

Hagen steps out of his building just then, his eyes already searching as he strains his neck to scan over the students in front of him. His eyes find mine, lock on, and then warm as a smile immediately spreads across his face.

He pushes through the slow-moving crowd and rushes down the mass of steps, his bag jostling over his shoulder while puffs of warm air slip from his lips.

I wait for him, just barely managing to stop myself from beaming to him so that I can have him in my arms already, but there are eyes on us, and beyond that, Hagen was coming to me.

All my life, I’d strode after him— ran to him— but now he was rushing towards me.

I stare at him, awed and desperate to remember every second of this.

It’s not the first time he’s run to me, and I know in my heart that it won’t be the last, but one does not stop treasuring a thing because they would have it again.

I would never stop treasuring Hagen simply because I was lucky enough to call him mine.

Hagen crashes into me the way he was developing a habit of doing. I should have hated it because it often knocked me back a step, but the force of his body slamming into mine was a sensation I was steadily becoming to crave.

It was like being shocked. Only when Hagen knocked the air from my lungs and forced my lips into a smile in the process, it was a tangible reminder that he longed for me the very same way I longed for him.

Hagen snakes his arms around my waist and grins up at me a moment before he pushes himself up onto his toes.

There are eyes on us. From students milling about to his friends standing at my back, but Hagen does not pay attention to any of them. Hagen does not care about any of them, about anything besides me as he slides his lips over mine.

Sparks skitter down my spine, making my fingers twinge a second before they fist Hagen’s jacket to pull him into me. He leans in with a pleased hum, and my body vibrates as the sound slides over my tongue.

Hagen’s lips are soft; they taste like cherries and mine.

“The cherry?” I whisper the moment we part for air.

“Lollipop. I had one earlier,” he explains before peeking over my shoulder. “Oh, hey guys.”

I twist, keeping Hagen locked in my embrace. I’d forgotten that I’d been in the midst of a conversation a few minutes ago.

“Oh, hey,” Max mocks, but his smile is still on his face. “I swear you see Nikola and your brain just taps out.”

Air puffs from Ruben’s lips as he laughs. “It call luv. It’s sweet.”

I lick my lips, tasting the residual cherry there. Yes, it was very sweet.

“What are you guys doing here?” Hagen asks while he slides his hand up my jacket sleeve. I shiver but sink into the touch that further binds me.

“Oh shit,” Max says as he suddenly jolts. He turns to Ruben, snapping his fingers, “We were going to give you Nikola’s gift to pass along, but we can just give it to him now.”

Ruben slides one of the bags to Max, dutifully holding it upright while Max tears into it to dig inside this mysterious present.

“Ah— no,” Hagen cuts in before Max can bring it out. “You’re not giving Nikola a gift before he gets mine.”

“It from wi an Jasper,” Ruben clarifies, but that does not matter to Hagen, who keeps shaking his head like a school teacher. “Yuh a guh away fi di whole week! Wi nah even si yuh til afta.”

“Well, you’ll just have to give it to him then,” Hagen declares, glaring at Max until he slumps and stops looking inside his pit of a bag. “Thank you. Now, let’s go Nik, before they try to ruin our plans too.”

Max rolls his eyes with a heavy groan while Ruben just chuckles.

“It was nice seeing you two,” I say while I run a soothing hand down Hagen’s back. “I actually mean that.”

“Win for us,” Max declares as he joins in Ruben’s laughter. “We’ll give you your gift when you’re back, but I hope you have a great birthday, Nikola.”

“Same here. Happy birthday,” Ruben says with a massive grin that shows every one of his perfectly straight teeth.

“Thank you,” I reply with a smile of my own. “Thank you both.”

With a nod, they wave to Hagen before turning to leave, with Ruben still carrying both of their bags while Max marches on at his side. It is the reminder I need to take Hagen’s bag.

I slide it off his shoulder, ignoring his protests as I plant it over mine and then pull him back into my arms.

“So,” Hagen says, as he grins up at me. “Ready for our getaway and your surprise?”

“I believe so, though I’m not entirely certain,” I admit, which wrongly makes his smile widen. “Should we not first discuss your day?”

“It was great. I can tell you about it later,” Hagen dismisses. “For now, I just want to get you away and all to myself.”

“Are we not waiting until midnight?” I ask curiously.

“Yes and no,” Hagen replies cryptically. “I’ve got loads of gifts for you, babe.”

I frown, but excitement still unfurls within my chest as I peer at my mate.

I knew whatever Hagen had planned for me was likely to be amazing. He said it would be, and Hagen knew me best, so I had no other choice but to believe him.

“Alright, then.” I take his hand in mine, squeezing it tight as I walk us down the familiar path. We needed somewhere secluded to teleport from, and while that stretched things out, I hardly minded when it also allowed me to walk hand in hand with my mate.

Public displays of affection had come to be something I adored.

The thought that someone might look at Hagen and know that he was mine without seeing his marks was a sentiment I’d come to appreciate, and I enjoyed it all the same every time it presented itself.

So as we walk through his campus now, hands intertwined, bodies close, I do not mind the extra steps. I appreciate each one.

Once I teleport us, I do not take us home or anywhere else inside the pack. I take us to our special place, our secret escape.

It’s where we would be until the weekend, and while I had been sure to stock it with everything we would need so that absolutely no trips away would be necessary, Hagen had been unusually strict about each trip beforehand.

I was not allowed inside our makeshift home, under any circumstances.

If I needed something, I was to ask him, and he’d fetch it or carry out whatever action I needed done.

It was highly frustrating, indescribably intriguing, and on many occasions, I had wanted to peek, even despite his words, but I could not do that to my mate.

He wished to surprise me as I had him, and I was eager to see what Hagen was capable of when I was kept completely in the dark.

*

“First up,” Hagen says as he pushes me towards the open space that surrounded our home in this pocket realm. “We’re going for a swim.”

Excitement surges inside of me at that. It was not nearly as cold here as it was home, and that meant that even as the evening set in and the two moons crested above, we would be able to enjoy the water.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Hagen scolds as he backs away. “Tonight is a wholesome night.”

“I was not looking at you in any particular way,” I protest, frowning as I follow after him, but Hagen keeps skipping back.

“Sure,” he retorts, and I know he’s teasing. “Just behave yourself, Nikola.”

Hagen turns, running towards the stream he now knows the path to without direction, and I am quick to do the same as I leave his bag behind. Hagen glances back at me with smiles that force my heart to beat faster and shares laughter that fills the realm.

The dirt beneath his feet glows with each step, a glowing echo of how he illuminated everything he touched.

I follow his radiant path while my heart thunders in my chest. Pounding as Hagen forces me to live in this crazed moment with him.

When we reach the water’s edge, Hagen turns and shrugs his jacket off as he smiles at me. I almost miss my next step, and he chuckles as his shirt goes next. I glance down, dismayed at the discarded items, but I do not slow my pursuit to collect them.

I slip my jacket off as well, stripping as he does, and as he steps back into the water, naked with a hand outstretched, I’m quick to take it.

He tugs us back into the water, leading the way until we’re in the river’s warm embrace. Hagen is quick to wrap himself around me, not running this time, and I hold him close while his brown eyes dance between mine, a shining treasure beneath the moonlight.

We speak here and there, Hagen telling me about his day and me telling him about mine, but we never part. We stay as we are while the river carries us along its faithful path.

When the stars twinkle above, Hagen cranes his head back for a glimpse that has his lips soon parting with an awed gasp.

He encourages me to do the same, but I only look at him. At his wet curls, his vibrant eyes, the way his cheeks heat, and he keeps pointing upward. Only I knew those stars well, and found him to be far more interesting.

“You’re not looking,” Hagen complains when I miss another shooting star.

“I am,” I reply, holding his gaze as it softens for me.

Hagen hums as his eyes dart between mine before he rests his arms on my shoulders and presses his head to mine.

“I guess I’m the one that wasn’t looking,” he whispers as his lips twitch.

My lips pull into a matching smile that he lingers as we stare at one another, lost in the love that bloomed eternal between us.

I enjoy its warmth, just as I enjoy the warmth of his touch. I savour the press of his body against mine, the steady thrum of his heart that matches the tune of mine.

I lose track of time, but for once, I do not mind it.

There will be an end to this, but it’s not a final thing that would steal this moment from me. It would be a gradual thing, a fade that would pass in order to make room for another.

I did not have to count my minutes with Hagen, did not have to entertain a dwindling clock in my mind, because this— us— no longer had a timer on it.

“What is it?” Hagen whispers, sensing the shift within that is hidden otherwise.

“I am just so… happy,” I reply, the word trembling slightly when I free it.

Hagen immediately opens his eyes, pulling back to look at me. His eyes widen, almost to a comical extent, as he peers at me.

“I haven’t even given you your gifts yet,” he replies, and it almost sounds like a complaint.

I can’t help but chuckle as I bring him back to me to rub his nose against mine.

“Hagen, you are the gift.”

Hagen stills in my arms a moment before he melts, unfurling for me the way I had learned to do for him.

When we climb out of the water, our skin is pruned and there’s a slight chill to the air that keeps us closer together. We dry with the towels I craft for us before returning to our escape, this time without running.

Hagen still ooo’s every time he steps onto the dirt that illuminates beneath his feet, and I still smile as I watch him take it all in. I mean to take us inside and clean us properly, but when we reach the lone doorway to our retreat, Hagen plasters himself in front of it.

“I have to go in first,” he explains, his gaze utterly serious.

“And I am to…?” I start for him.

“Put your clothes back on and come in when I call you,” he replies, eyes sparkling with his excitement before he slips inside. His head immediately darts back out. “No. Peeking.”

“I won’t,” I vow while I unfold the clothes we’d retrieved on the way back.

I’m not fond of putting the clothes back on, but I dust them thoroughly before dressing, and then, I wait as I’m meant to on the other side while Hagen clambers around inside.

“Should I be scared?” I ask through the doorway.

“Why do you keep acting like I’m going to give you a bomb?”

“Because it feels as if that is exactly what’s occurring here, Hagen,” I retort, earning a snort that I covet. “How much longer?”

“Geez, Nik,” Hagen groans. “I know I’m not the best influence, but we can’t lose your patience or we’re both fucked.”

It’s my turn to snort, and I can feel the smile spreading across Hagen’s lips even without seeing it.

“Alright… I think…” he says slowly. “I think I’m ready.”

Suddenly, my fingers are very slippery and my heart is beating far faster than the point of comfort.

Hagen’s head pops out once more, and though his smile is still in place, there’s a nervous edge to it that matches mine. The rest of him follows, dressed, and he lifts a hand for me.

“Ready for the best birthday gift ever?” he asks as I slide my hand into his grasp.

“Yes,” I reply, and I’m sure this time, even while my stomach churns uncomfortably.

Hagen’s lips split into a smile before he steps back, taking me with him as he guides me inside.

His eyes remain on mine and mine on his as I pass through the doorway, but I’m unable to keep them there when I step inside and spot something large and fluffy sitting on our bed.

It’s a penguin plushie. To be more specific, it’s my penguin plushie. The one he’d given me at my fourth birthday party.

I had not seen it in years, but it was just as I remembered it to be, though slightly smaller than the gigantic thing my memory deemed it to be.

A lone rock rests in the centre of its raised flippers.

Hagen pulls away from me and rushes to the penguin’s side. He looks nervously between me and the plushie while I frown at the items, confused.

“So, you gave this to me when I was ten,” he says, stumbling over his words a little. “I was sad, and scared to be alone, and you gave this to me and said that whenever I was sad or felt lonely again, to hug it and imagine it was you.”

“I remember,” I reply, though I did not quite understand why this was relevant here.

“I didn’t want to take it because it was my gift to you, but you said that I could keep it until I had you around to give me those hugs yourself whenever I wanted.”

My lips part, the memory flickering vaguely within my mind.

“So, I’m giving it back,” Hagen continues as he lifts the plushie, careful not to jostle it and lose the rock still in its flippers as he steps towards me. “I have you now, and well… I don’t need it anymore. I have you.”

My heart tumbles within my chest before it jerks, beating far harder than before.

I swallow, trying to remember how to take measured breaths, but each one comes faster than the last until Hagen’s standing before me with the raised plushie.

“What is the rock for?” I hear myself ask breathlessly.

Hagen shifts, a tell-tale sign of his most anxious state, something I had not seen as of late.

“I thought…” he mumbles before nibbling on his lip. He frees it, frowning, “I thought you would’ve gotten it already, so maybe it’s stupid.”

“Hagen,” I warn, but then he’s glaring at me.

“You’re the penguin expert. You should’ve gotten it already,” he grumbles, as if it is my fault that I do not understand this absurd scene. “I should’ve just gone with the promise rings.”

“Hagen,” I say again, and it’s enough to get him to explain himself.

“I read in one of your books that when male penguins try to court the females, sometimes they use rocks as a gift,” he explains in a grumbled rush. “They use them to say, ‘I like you’, and ‘hey, I’m ready to build a nest’, and obviously you’re not a woman, but— fuck! I’m giving you this rock, Nikola, ’cause I’m trying to say all those things. Because I thought it’d be nice since you like penguins and I like you— love you really, so… yeah.”

“You got me a rock,” I whisper breathlessly, eyes now glued to the stone.

“It’s not just any rock. I’ve been looking for that rock for months,” Hagen corrects with a bit of a scowl. “It had to be perfect. That’s what both your books and Google said.”

And it was perfect.

It was a smoothed cobalt black with five peppered, pink streaks that never intersected. They circled the rock and met their other end. They were perfectly spaced, the same width, and my favourite shade of the colour.

Black spots dot in my eyes, making me frown until I realise I’m not breathing.

I take the needed breath.

“Learning about it, I know I probably should’ve given you this before we mated and moved into our place,” Hagen mumbles while he watches me reach for the rock. He’s too nervous to see the way my fingers shake as I pick it up. “But I figured we’ve done everything else backwards, so why stop now?” He laughs a little while I cocoon the rock between my palms like the treasure it is. “I just… I wanted to give you something that said ‘I’m in this with you, and that I really really love you, Nikola Amorenia’.”

I look back at Hagen then, but I can barely see him.

The world is a blur, one that trembles even after I blink to clear it.

I cup my rock to my chest, holding it tight even as it restricts my already laboured breaths.

I blink again, several times until I can finally see Hagen. He looks shocked, his eyes widened, but I lose him again as my eyes fill.

“Nik,” Hagen whispers my name as he steps forward, squishing the plushie between us, and then, I’m truly sobbing.

I hate crying.

I hate the toll it takes on the body.

I hate the overwhelming rush of emotions it usually brought with it.

But as I cry now, I do not hate a single thing about it.

I can not possibly hate a single thing about this moment which might just be the greatest moment of my life.

“Y-You got me a rock,” I whisper again, voice trembling as I stare at my mate. “You’re courting me… even though we are already mated.”

“I…” Hagen pauses as his hands lift to wipe my tears away. He smiles at me, taking care of me even while his own tears trickle down his flushed cheeks. “No matter how many years pass between us, I don’t think I’ll ever stop courting you, Nik.”

I sniff, trying to stop the wave of tears that slip free, but I can not.

I have no control over myself, but then again, I never could when I was with Hagen Calderon.

“It’s perfect,” I wail as I fall into Hagen, shaking in his arms as I clutch my rock. “I-It’s perfect.”

Hagen chuckles against me, shuddering while he tries to keep me upright, but my legs are terrifyingly weak, and my heart won’t stop racing.

“I’m glad,” he whispers while he keeps my head pressed against his. “You better not lose that.”

Like I would dare.

“I knew I would get you,” Hagen mumbles while he presses his face to mine, breathing me in even while my tears dampen his face.

I feel my trembling lips try to smile, but it wobbles once more as I lean into him.

Hagen did not know it, but when penguins gave the best stone they could find over to another that they hoped to mate with, it was also to say that the journey was over.

After years of heartache, years of toiling and shattered hope, the very best time and the very worst… our journey was over.

Nothing would tear us apart again. Nothing could, because it was over.

We’d fought for this, for this life, this reality where we learned to love one another against all odds.

Our journey was over.

“Hagen,” I whisper, though it’s another shattered sob that brings us even closer as I gaze at him, into his glowing golden eyes that had held me captive from the moment I first met him and knew without any doubt in my heart, that he was mine. “I—”

Words fail me, slipping from my control as my emotions overwhelm me like never before.

Hagen’s lips tilt up, wobbling like mine as he shines for me.

“I know. I love you too, Nikola.”

THE END

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