Hagen’s P.O.V

“I don’t want you anymore, Hagen.”

The words echo painfully in my head, scraping against the recesses of my mind to burrow deeper as Nikola’s rushed steps drift further away.

Everyone had said it. Katerina. Kalem. Lincoln.

They had all said it, and it wasn’t that I hadn’t believed them. I had, but… I’d been so focused on getting here, on finally being close to him, that I hadn’t even given myself the chance to prepare for those exact words coming from Nikola’s lips.

Shaking fingers dig into my skin as I clutch at my wrists, trying to keep myself breathing, but it’s like he’s taken all the air from the room with him. He has. He’s taken the air, the light, my hope…..

Tears blur my vision, making it all too easy to picture him back here, with that cold, detached gaze I’d never been the subject of.

I didn’t think mates were meant to look at you like that— with so much hatred.

It must’ve defied some preset law etched into the very fabric of what we were— it felt like it did. It felt wrong and sick, enough to have me swallowing up the bile rising quickly.

I press a shaky hand over my stomach, trying to keep myself still and quiet, but my broken inhales are loud even to my ears, as are the crashing of my heart’s shattered pieces as they continue to fall.

When Nikola had left, he’d been angry and hurt, and he’d claimed hatred, but I hadn’t actually seen it.

I’d seen it this time. Pure, unfiltered and unkept hatred in those grey eyes that had only ever known love.

I suck in a shuddering breath amidst my barely managed gasps, trying to funnel in the air while everything inside of me tries to shut down. Of course things couldn’t be fixed in a day, but… Nikola wanted nothing to do with me.

My fingers claw at my chest, pawing desperately at it to ease the pain, but there’s no easing this.

Soul-crushing was what it was like when Nikola had left months ago, leaving nothing behind but long-denied truths and guilt and want. But this— when he’d just looked me in the eye and told me that he did not want me anymore— this… this was heartbreaking.

Heart. Breaking.

Twice now, I’d seen Nikola angry and stood as the subject of it, and it wouldn’t be the last. I knew that much, and as terrifying as that scorching thought of the future was, I don’t let it stop me from turning and following after him.

Nikola did not want me anywhere near him. He’d made that perfectly clear from the way he’d practically plastered himself against the window sill, but I would not— could not— give him space.

Space was what he’d given me, and while it worked sometimes, for the most part, I’d just used it to push us further apart. Nikola was not me, but he’d use it the same way. He’d put more and more distance between us, and I was not nearly as patient as Nikola to endure that.

I would wait years if I had to, but that didn’t mean I intended to.

I’m almost at the door when a familiar figure fills it, casting looming shadows over me and the depths of the room as I stumble back.

Horror engulfs me all at once as Lincoln’s red eyes zone in on me, his kill.

“He didn’t reject me!” I shout as I cast my arms up in a feeble shield as he rushes at me. Scared outside of my own body, I register the hand that stills mere centimetres from my face, with sharpened nails poised to puncture flesh. My flesh. Heart pounding, I look at him through the cracks of his fingers, not daring to move other than to stutter out, “H-He didn’t r-r-reject me.”

Lincoln doesn’t blink, nor does he move his sharp nails, “It sounded very much like a rejection to me.”

“It wasn’t,” I argue. “He didn’t s-say the w-words. H-He didn’t e-even tell me to leave.”

That was the only thing keeping me standing even after all of Nikola’s worded blows.

He’d told me that he did not want me, that he didn’t want our bond, and that I was fighting for something that didn’t exist anymore, but he’d never said to leave. He didn’t try to make me either. With his magic, it would’ve taken barely a thought for him to cast me away, but he didn’t.

I was still here and that had to mean something. That there was still a chance, and no matter how small it was, or how deeply it was hidden within the depths of his hatred for me, I’d burrow through the darkness just to find it.

Lincoln’s eyes narrow as he clicks his tongue with open annoyance, “You’re nitpicking.”

“I don’t care,” I repeat through clenched teeth. “He. Didn’t. Reject. Me.”

Nikola had done everything but that, and that was the only truth keeping me together.

It seems like an eternity passes before Lincoln’s grasping hand slowly eases back, allowing me a real gasp for air that I cling to for dear like while he steps back.

“Nikola did not tell you to leave, but I will remedy that error,” he states as he flexes his clenched jaw and glares at me with what feels like even more hatred than before.

My heart plummets.

—————————

Nikola’s POV

“He’s back.”

“The wolf? No way!”

“Yes. I think this is his third time.”

“Wow. Honestly, just wow.”

“Pylen says we can not interfere, only keep him from crossing the bridge. But I don’t see why we don’t just kill him. I was down there yesterday, and the smell is horrific.”

“I think he’s leaving the kill for Katerina, but I don’t understand why she’s drawing it out like this. Death by natural causes? That’s a little tedious.”

“I don’t know. I think there’s a little flair to— oh, N-Nikola! Hello!”

The pair of sentinel guards straighten like soldiers once they’ve registered my presence and offer me nervous smiles. I ignore them as I move towards the window they’d been peering through and they quickly move out of my way.

I was hoping they were lying, that the tug in my chest I’d felt was a faux, but no. Hagen was back. Again.

Through the castle’s stained windows, I stare down as the stubborn wolf I was still mated to staggers to a stop just at the edge of the bridge that connected the castle to the surrounding lands. It’s not the bridge that stops him, but the line of armoured vampires who refuse to allow him another step.

Hagen’s legs give beneath him, forcing him to his knees. My fingers twitch, but I clench them at my sides before my magic can fray.

Twice now, Ma had sent Hagen back to the pack, and twice now, he’d returned. The first time, he’d come with his family, a pack of wolves that looked small beneath the castle’s towering walls. Ma had sent them all back before they’d had a chance to shift, and I had hoped that would be that.

But he was here. Again.

This time alone, which was curious, but I did not allow myself to ponder the technicalities. It didn’t change the fact that he was here, looking more haggard and tired than before, but still here.

I stare at Hagen. Stare. Just as I did every time he reappeared like some haunting phantom. I try but can’t manage to tear my eyes away to less painful sites.

My heart, within its barbed confines, stutters and weeps, and even with the distance between us, I can feel his doing the same.

Hagen’s head lifts then, falling back as his body shudders through each breath, and then, his brown eyes part and lift and find mine.

I freeze, body and soul. I should move. I want to move.

I can’t.

Water slices between us, blurring our view of each other as a pattering of rain begins to fall beyond the window. It’s light at first, but within seconds, it turns torrential. Rain descends viciously from non-existent clouds, partnered with thunder that could only source from the same magic I can feel igniting my family bond.

Ma was still angry, but Dad was on the edge of madness, and it was likely those emotions stirring on Ma’s magic. But what else was there to do but keep sending him home? For all their anger, they wouldn’t kill him, and Hagen knew that.

The question was why did he keep returning? For me, he said. He wanted me, he said. But how cruel a joke that was. If it was true, which it wasn’t, it would pass. The last thing Hagen was when it came to me, was self-sacrificing; his patience would run out, and this would end. That’s if he didn’t die before then.

Gods, what was he doing?

He should’ve moved by now, retreated to the refuge to be found beneath the trees and escaped the rain, not… stay within it. But Hagen doesn’t move. He stays fixed right where he is, staring up at me as if he’s waiting for me to save him or ready to die waiting right there.

Why can’t it be both? — Neo asks hopefully — Why can’t you believe that he might actually want us enough to die for us?

You act as if I have not lived my whole life watching him choose everything over us — I snap back with more austerity than I mean to. This is momentary. He doesn’t mean it.

And if he does? — Neo snaps back— If he does truly mean to love us as we love him, and you refuse to listen…

Actions speak louder than words.

HE IS ACTING!

Monstrous rage spews between Neo and me, splattering itself over our bond, but I can’t find it in myself to worsen it. Not only does it silence me, but paired with his words, I can’t find it in me to argue.

Hagen was acting. Foolishly and annoyingly, and I still did not believe it would last, but he was acting.

Enamel chips from my teeth as I glare down at him, urging him to leave, but Hagen remains stock-still, with his head tilted up and eyes endlessly searching for me through the cast of rain.

I don’t allow him the opportunity to find me again. I turn from the window and head back the way I’d come.

He’d get tired of it eventually.

———————————

The guards make themselves scarce long before I approach the window this time.

The rainfall is more barbaric than before, enough that it batters against the glass, or maybe it only seems so to me with the night’s dark shadows cast over the castle. The only light that persists is from within the castle, and even so, my gaze settles on Hagen in an instant.

He is standing this time, stuck between glaring at the guards and pacing in front of them. He looks almost like a rearing bull.

The guards don’t move an inch, even with the rain pummelling them; they stand posted like the unmovable forces they were. They didn’t seem threatened by Hagen or worried, not even when he stops and takes the stance of someone about to do something very foolish.

For the love of Goddess and all the Gods, he wouldn’t…

Except he does.

Hagen charges at the guards fast enough to surprise me and certainly them because he gets an elbow into the side of one and shoves him aside, gunning for the next, but that’s where his luck runs out.

The speed of the werewolf was no match for that of the vampire after all, and at the speed of the lightning cracking overhead, a pair of them throws Hagen back over the perimeter of the bridge. He flails in the air for a number of seconds before he lands harshly on the hard pebbles.

My magic moves me before I have a chance to comprehend what’s happening.

It’s the guards I face when I teleport between Hagen and them, and it is them I leer at while my dark magic sizzles overhead, worsening the storm’s temperament. They each step back without comment, slinking back into formation, while the ones who’d put their hands on my mate offer me a slight bow.

It’s an apology I don’t want to accept.

“Nik?”

My anger is vanquished in a moment at the sound of his voice. It forces me back to reality and what I’d just done.

Goddess, be good.

Reluctantly, I turn and face Hagen as an umbrella of sorts crests overhead, protecting us all from the rain. It includes Hagen under its covering without my permission.

Hagen blinks frantically past the droplets hanging from his lashes, and when he sees me, truly, his eyes widen, reignited with kindled hope that makes my lips twitch with self-indignation.

“Nik—”

“Get up,” I instruct, mirroring the coldness beating down around us.

Hagen does so with a quickness, and even while his torn shoes slide over pebbles, his gaze refuses to part mine for even a second.

I hate the way he looks at me, all wide-eyed and deceptively devoted, but I hate myself even more for subjecting myself to such a farce.

“You keep coming back,” I spit, not bothering to leash my annoyance.

Hagen’s throat bobs before his head does the same, “I said I would.”

I smother out the flicker of warmth that kindles within me, “It’s useless. We will keep sending you away.”

I was not a fan of lying, but I did not want to share that I hadn’t cast him out once yet.

“I don’t care, I’ll keep coming back,” he replies stubbornly, lifting his wet chin in defiance. He looks like he wants to fight me too, and just might. Some darkened part of me welcomes it, stirring at the chance, but then his gaze gentles like his voice does as he adds, “And it’s not useless. You came out this time.”

My jaw ticks, clenching like my fingers as I try to funnel the rage only this stubborn, annoying wolf could set off within me.

“I’m here because even drenched from the rain, you stink, and keeping you out is a waste of resources,” I correct with a calmness that’s barely maintained. Hagen shrinks into himself as if to hide his tattered clothes and dirtied skin. “You’ll give up once you experience the castle, which you’d do after you take a shower.”

Hagen’s head snaps up, and in his eyes, I see the shock and disbelief coursing through my own veins, but I turn before he can see such emotions playing through me. Hagen scrambles after me, following as close as he can manage as the vampires part for me and in turn, him.

This was foolish. Endlessly so, but it was not entirely crazed.

It would hurt more to have him close, but in the castle, he’d face the scorn of Dad, Ma, Appa and all his loyalists. It’d break him soon enough. He would leave and this would finally be over.

I’d beared such pains from less.

———————————————————

Hagen’s POV

I stare at Nikola’s back as he marches ahead of me. He moves like he’s one with the castle, quiet and strong, while I keep trying my best just to catch up.

I try to get myself closer to him, but every time I do, he speeds up, and the tension double-knitting his back muscles together only gets worse.

“Nik,” I try, whispering this time because I got the feeling that he was doing something he really shouldn’t.

It’s eerily quiet inside, which makes no sense to me when vampires are supposed to function best at night, but as we pass by a massive hallway, my ears twitch with the sound of laughter and conversation in that direction.

It sounds like a party, but if it is, Nikola avoids it entirely as he stomps down an opposite hall. I trail after him, wet and apparently ‘stinking’, but every puddle of water that I leave behind evaporates as quickly as it settles.

Nik was covering our tracks.

“Nik,” I try again, only to be ignored, again.

I bite my lip, forcing myself to think past the pain of that. I had to think of the positives here. It was the only way this worked.

Things weren’t like they were before, and they would never be. Nikola hated me now, and as much as it hurt, it was the truth. But there were things to look for amongst it all. Like right now, it made me want to die that he wouldn’t talk to me, let alone look at me, but I was back inside the castle, with Nik. Goddess, how long had it been since we’d been this close? Two weeks since the day we’d spoken, and it already felt too long. He looked great, with his hair bouncing on his shoulders, held back by two roped braids, and he smelt even better, rich and musky and Nik.

A whimper nearly pushes past my lips as I try to shuffle closer again. I wanted to touch him, my fingers ached too, but he was already pissed enough, and I knew I should wait until we were done sneaking around and wherever he was taking me to push.

The castle seems larger and grander from the inside, with its high arching walls, stained windows, and mix of candle and electric light that casts everything in a golden hue. Left alone, I’d get lost in here within a few minutes, but Nikola moves with ease, each step a sure thing.

That’s how Nikola always was through. Sure and confident in everything he did.

I stare after him as we delve deeper into the castle, into darker, quieter parts, and eventually, he shoves open a door and steps inside. Looking away, he holds it open for me. I rush inside and quickly face him as the door shuts behind us.

Nikola’s gaze shifts to me, and my heart takes a jump off the cliff.

I’d seen him on the bridge, but it felt as surreal and blurred as seeing him through the window, if I’d seen him there. After all the shit I’d gone through, it felt like a hallucination, but I’d welcomed it nonetheless.

He’s clear now; clear to see, clear to me, and the sight of him makes it that much harder not to touch him. I have to take deep breaths to stop myself from doing it. Deep, constant breaths that seem loud in the quiet he’s locked us in, and joined with Nikola’s, my body heats quickly as I stare at him.

I can’t take my eyes away and I don’t want to. He’s here, really, and he’s so handsome. With those angled features, darkened eyes, and full lips that I’d taken for granted.

I’d taken all of him for granted, which was so fucking annoying when right now, I’d literally kill to have Nikola touch me like he used to. Back when he’d pull me to him even when I hated it, back when he would leave his scent all over me.

Goddess, I wanted to wear his scent so bad.

Nikola’s nose twitches before his frown deepens into something almost violent.

Shit.

“Nikola—”

“You will stay here,” he states, moving past me as he marches towards the only other door in the room. He forces it open, “There’s a bathroom with a shower, soaps and everything else you will need to clean yourself up.”

“I will,” I reply against the heat inflaming my face. “I know I’m dirty, but… I was just trying to get to you.”

Nikola doesn’t pause for a moment.

Moving around a low bed like I hadn’t spoken at all, he plucks a drawer loose and pulls out a blood bag, “Most beings in this castle drink blood, so for food, you’ll either have to hunt beyond the castle or find favour with a cook here.”

“Okay, that’s fine, but can we talk?” I ask as I watch him move around the room, finding other hidden blood bags and plucking them free. “Please? Nik?”

“There’s nothing for us to talk about,” Nikola mutters when he’s not facing me.

He’s not just ignoring me; he’s avoiding looking at me for too long. And maybe I’m really losing my mind because whether or not they’re filled with love or hatred, I just want his eyes on me.

“You know that’s not true,” I argue as he finally turns back around, only his gaze remains averted as he moves forward, heading for the door. He’s going to leave “Nikola—” I step forward, reaching a hand out to grab him before he leaves me again, but my fingers don’t wrap around his wrist— they can’t. Like there’s a layer around him, some invisible sleeve, my fingers curl an inch above his actual skin.

“W-What?” I mumble as I urge my fingers to touch him, but they remain hovering still too far to touch.

Before I can figure out how, Nikola steps back, putting a clear line between us in addition to the barrier. “I don’t feel comfortable touching you any more.”

I didn’t think it could hurt any worse. How could it? Only this hurts. This fucking hurts.

“Every time I did, it did not end well,” he continues, his voice cold and distant, like he wasn’t speaking about him and me, about us.

I force myself to nod and swallow around the lump in my throat.

Silence falls over us, intensified only by the rain pattering outside that refuses to end its brutal reign. My breaths aren’t so rushed anymore, neither are my heartbeats. It’s all far more muted now.

“Do you…” I stop to keep my next words from breaking. “…are you never going to let me touch you again? Ever?” The last word breaks anywhere.

If Nikola finally looks at me, I will never know. I can’t look at him. I don’t have the strength to face him this time.

The silence reigns for a little longer as I stare at Nikola’s boots, shiny because of the rain. I spot the edges of his knuckles, whitened as he curls them. I remembered them doing the same thing: he locked around my waist, and my chest hollows, mourning the touch that I might never experience.

With something between a huff and a curse, Nikola steps forward, and I hold my breath, waiting, but he only marches past me. The door slams shut behind him as he leaves me alone again.

My breath stutters out of me, but refuses to replace itself as tears trickle down my face. I’d gotten so used to them that I barely notice them while I pass my fingers over my shirt, just to keep myself moving.

The positive. I had to think of the positive.

I was in the castle, which meant I was closer to him now. I could see him every second of every day, which I would do, after I cleaned.

I take myself to the bathroom, moving quickly.

Nikola hated dirt, and I was covered in it and I needed to rectify that immediately, and then I’d go find him again.

As Nikola said, it was fitted with everything a person could need, including a scrub that looked brand new. Stripping myself quickly, I step into the shower, squeezing out some of the liquid onto the brush, and then I start scrubbing. Hard.

Another positive. Nikola hadn’t answered my question. A no was still in the air, which just meant I had to secure it. I just had to make him like me again, flaws and all.

I could do that. I would, because I had to.

I scrub my skin harder, applying as much pressure as I can to get off the grime and dirt that had built up over the weeks.

The least I could do was make myself clean in this place I shouldn’t be. Nikola liked clean. But even after the water swirling down the drain turns clear, I keep scrubbing.

Positives. What other positives were there?

Circling the scrub, I scrape my skin until it’s rubbed raw, and the aches there rival the festering one peeling open my heart.

I add more soap, trying to get it out, but there’s no getting shame out. Still, I try anyway.

——————–

Is Hagen losing his mind a little? Perhaps. Am I all for it? Yes. Yes I am.

Thoughts???????????

Thoughts on this chapter??? On Nik’s resolve breaking a little? On Hagen literally trying to fight his way inside lmfaoooo?????

Thoughts on that little second of tension with Hagen getting all hot for Nik and Nik getting vex lmfaoeogwp;rgke

The contents of this chapter feel a little like a filler chapter for me, which it is meant to be in order for what happens in the next 2 chapters to be able to happen, so just trust in that!

Regardless, I want to hear any and all thoughts, please shareeeeeeeeeeeeeee as we start this wonderful month of only Control!

The Gold Tier of Control will be getting a sneak peek of the next chapter later, so if you want that, link in my bio!

And remember to vote and comment!!!!!

Until next time,
Byeeeeeeeee Humansssssss