Ignore the movie poster, this is serious lmfaoo

——-

Hagen’s P.O.V

“Nikola.”

The surface of my mirror ripples in a shadow movement. Starting at its corners, the old magic tries to answer before it tappers out.

The gentle tremor is like a warning, or rather, a question; did I truly want to do this?

In the reflection, I saw all the confusion, anger and hurt that swarmed inside me, and though I knew it was a dangerous mix, I couldn’t think beyond it.

I couldn’t make myself go to bed so that I could try to face this tomorrow with a clearer head because I knew even if I waited, it’d be no better tomorrow.

I needed to speak to Nikola now because what Peter had told me in the kitchen wasn’t enough. I needed to hear it from him so then maybe it wouldn’t be as bad as it felt right now.

“Nikola,” I call again, and this time the mirror’s ripples turn into small waves as it comes to life until it’s buzzing with magic for the first time in years.

Swallowing, I take a step back and try to steel myself for the moment he’d step through.

Mate Awareness. For all intents and purposes, it made sense for it to appear between Nikola and me. If there was any pair of mates that needed something extra to bring them together, it was us, but even so, hearing of it now felt so misplaced. Not because of what it was, but because I was only now learning of its existence between us.

An entire month had passed, and I hadn’t known.

How didn’t I know?

Shouldn’t I have known or at the very least, felt something?

The questions kept circling my mind, but I wasn’t sure if it was guilt driving them or my attempt to make excuses for Nikola keeping this from me.

Goddess, I hoped it was a misunderstanding. I hoped Peter had gotten confused or something wrong had been said between him and Dad.

I hoped it was anything other than it seemed because if it was then… I wouldn’t know what to do.

The mirror’s surface shifting outwards breaks the quiet and makes my insides become a cramped, sickly mess as a body presses against it from the other side.

His hand comes first and then the rest of him follows as steps through his own portal between my room and his. It’s just like he used to years before, except this time, I’d called him, and when Nikola jumps down from the top of my wardrobe, the floor shakes slightly from his weight.

He straightens and meets my gaze with those piercing grey eyes, and within an instant, all the emotions stirring inside of me become a torrential blur of madness.

I wasn’t used to facing him when we were like this— on good terms. I wasn’t used to feeling anger around the version of him who made me feel safe.

Before, I’d yell and he’d smirk and I’d hate him for it, but now, when I was so familiar with the delirious happiness I felt around him, I didn’t want to yell or fight— Goddess, I really didn’t want to fight.

Please be a misunderstanding.

Nikola takes a step forward, his lips already quirked in that small smile of his.

“Nikola,” he stops immediately.

Either sensing something or hearing it in my voice, Nikola doesn’t move an inch other than in his brows which become slightly furrowed.

“I’m going to ask you something, and I need you to be completely honest with me.”

Familiar eyes narrow, their excitement flickering, but Nikola nods.

“Is our bond affected by mate awareness?”

His body stiffens just a fraction, he tries to hide it, but I see it. I see the way his muscles bunch beneath his skin and the way something anxious flicks through his gaze. It’s my answer, even before he finally nods again.

“And you’ve been keeping it from me?”

Another silent nod.

Zyair whines, pulling himself back as if to protect a wound, but it hardly helps when it’s already bleeding. Me… I’m not sure what it is I feel in this moment.

Inside, it was all becoming too muddled to know, but the confirmation was more than just painful; it was like watching ink be smeared over a painting we’d barely begun.

I sigh and take a step back.

I shouldn’t be surprised, I should’ve expected this, prepared fit at the very least, but I didn’t.

I’d trusted Nikola, trusted that he’d changed and now, everything hurt.

The pain that strikes my heart is unforgiving and it grows quickly. Building like a swirling tornado, it pulls me in and forces me to revisit all our time together with new eyes.

It was almost impossible to imagine that if I hadn’t spoken to Peter, we would’ve been already tangled up with one another. Me ignorantly happy, completely unaware of the fact that our bond was affected by that age old burden and that Nikola had decided to keep that to himself.

“You are… upset,” he says very carefully, and when I look at him, his expression carries only confusion.

“Yes, Nikola,” I breathe as I pass my stiff fingers over my face, “I’m upset.”

My hands keep moving, passing through my hair and over my neck as if they can’t stop, like if I needed to keep myself moving so that I didn’t have to contend with all the terrifyingly familiar anxiety racing up my spine.

Maybe I really should’ve waited, given it the night.

“Why?” Nikola asks after long moments of silence.

The question pulls a small laugh from me, but it’s dead and unamused, closer to hysterical because of course he’d asked that.

Of course he’d fucking ask that when he didn’t think he did a thing wrong— I could see it in his face. Nikola was genuinely confused because he didn’t see the problem here.

“Why?” I repeat, facing him directly, my fingers nails digging into the skin at my neck. “I’m upset, Nikola because you decided to hide something that involved the two of us from me.”

“I didn’t hide it from you,” he corrects before I can continue. “I wasn’t actively trying to keep it hidden. If I were, I would’ve lied when you asked.”

“You still kept it to yourself. You kept it from me.”

Nikola blinks at me, his mouth opening and closing.

“Why?” I ask, but it sounds more like a plea. “Because you didn’t think that I needed to know?”

Mouth clamping shut, Nikola’s eyes flick anxiously between mine. I wait for him to deny it, to present any other reason, but he doesn’t. He stays quiet, purposefully this time, but his gaze shows it all. His eyes are honest as always, honest enough to confirm what he couldn’t with words.

“Of course,” I mumble as I step back, my feet now needing to move as well as I struggle not to climb out of my own skin. “Of course, this is happening.”

Nikola takes a step forward but not another one. Instead, he stands in front of me like a lost lamb, worry quickly casting itself over his features as he watches me move restlessly.

“I—” he stops and takes a breath as his expression crumples with effort. “I do not understand why you are upset.” I scoff, and as I turn on him, he rushes to add, “it wouldn’t have changed anything if you knew.”

“You don’t know that, Nikola,” I reply, through gritted teeth. “You don’t know that because you didn’t even let me have a say in it.”

Nikola’s frown deepens, “Because the end result would’ve been the same. It didn’t matter if you knew.”

It’s almost scolding the way he says it. So simply, so matter-of-fact, that it leaves me staring at him unblinkingly.

Looking at him, for a moment, I can’t believe they’re his words, not when for weeks every one he’d uttered had been so sweet. But then, when I look at him, really look at him… this isn’t some new side of Nikola that I’m seeing for the first time; it’s a reintroduction to one I’ve always known.

The anxious mess of hurt whirling inside of me leans towards rage but I cull it quickly.

At the rate we were going, this would turn into something nasty, and I didn’t want that. We were adults now, and we could talk it out, like adults.

Fists clenched at my side, I force myself to take deep breaths.

“I would’ve liked to know, Nikola,” I say, voice purposefully measured, enough to hide the pain welling inside. “I would’ve liked to know not only because I shouldn’t have to ask to know about things that affect me, but because we are mates, and we could’ve made a decision together, as mates.”

The frown that marrows Nikola’s features twists from one of confusion to frustration, “We both know how you would’ve reacted, Hagen.”

“You don’t—”

“I do,” Nikola cuts in, his grey eyes hardening like steel. “A month ago, you were still scared of me. I had to be careful of every word I said around you, which I do not blame you for. I understand why… after all I’ve done, but do not deny that you wouldn’t have hated being forced to be around me if you knew.”

The words cast a shadow over the room or maybe it shines a light on it, pulling us out of the bubble we’d been floating in until now.

The perfect little world where Nik and I went on dates and texted almost disappears with the reminder of the lifetime of misery sitting behind us.

My fingers ease at my side, unravelling for a moment like my anger as guilt takes its place because I couldn’t deny that. I wished I could, I wished I could tell him he was wrong, but he wasn’t.

“Yes,” I admit, my arms crossing over my chest protectively. “I would’ve hated it, but I wouldn’t have blamed you for it. I may not have liked it, but I would’ve dealt with it because when I agreed to try with you, that was me signing up for us being mates— the good and the bad.”

“So you would not have asked me to take it away?” Nikola challenges as he straightens to his full height. “Even when we would’ve had to be in the same room at all times? We would’ve had to do everything together. Share a bed, our meals, all our time. You’re saying, you wouldn’t have asked me to make it go away?”

I swallow as I try to imagine the picture Nik was painting, but before I can reply, he carries on.

“How about when you wanted to see your friends or go to your classes,” Nikola asks, listing the possibilities one after the other without pause. “You wouldn’t have asked me to try to figure out a way around it? You would’ve had me right there with you, the whole time? Is that what you’re saying, Hagen?”

“That’s not the point—”

“It is,” he cuts in. “The point is that no matter what happened, it would’ve ended the same way, with me blocking it for you. That is why I didn’t tell you because nothing would’ve changed. The only reason you think it could’ve been any different is because we’re closer now.”

“It doesn’t matter what would’ve happened! That’s not the fucking point! So stop acting like you can see the fucking future and know my every move!” I groan, my annoyance teeming now. “It would’ve been my move to make, and you took that away! That’s why I’m angry, Nik. I’m angry because, once again, you’ve decided to make decisions regarding our bond without letting me have a say in it.”

The confusion returns to Nikola’s expression in full force, his flickering anger fading out as he stares at me as if I were the most difficult problem he’d ever had to solve.

“But we both know—”

“Okay, Nikola,” I cut in angrily. Patience whittled to nothing, I walk right up to my mate, glaring. “Say it went the way you insist it would’ve. Let’s say that at the start, I wouldn’t have wanted it, and you made the right choice. I told you weeks ago that it wasn’t fair that you were the only one that had to deal with the effects of the bond and the link.”

Nikola’s entire body stiffens, his gaze struggling to hold mine.

“I didn’t know that Mate Awareness was a part of all of this, but you could’ve told me then,” I say pointedly. “So why didn’t you?”

Nikola doesn’t say a word. Now, he’s so quiet that I can only hear our thundering hearts pounding between us.

“We’re closer now, like you said, so why didn’t you say anything then, Nikola?”

I wait for him to deliver yet another perfectly crafted excuse. I wait and I wait, and I almost hope for a reason, but he doesn’t answer me, not that he has to.

At the end of the day, Nikola still liked having control because he believed he knew best.

It was only a different situation at a different time, but he still liked to have the final say over us. He could reason it however he wanted, but it was the truth.

I sigh once again, my body slumping with sudden exhaustion.

“I think you should go, Nikola.”

“What?” He echos so quietly that it carves something open inside of me and lays it bare.

“It’s late, and I’m tired,” I mumble. “Maybe we should take some time apart before we try talking about this again, but for now….”

For now, this hurt. It hurt more than I knew how to put into words because while I’d actually thought we were building something new together, Nikola had been working with his own set of strings. But what hurt more, was that he couldn’t even see it.

“But…” Nikola whispers softly.

It takes a moment for me to drag my gaze to his, but when I do I find him staring at me with big grey eyes so painfully lost I almost want to take the words back.

“We’re just going in circles,” I tell him as gently as I can. “And no matter what I say, you don’t seem to get it.” The words hurt to say aloud. “You don’t get it… which sucks because–”

“Because what?” Nikola asks, stepping forward, gaze desperate.

I shake my head, knowing all the pain that still lingered behind those particular words.

“Please, Hagen,” he begs. “I don’t want to leave things like this.”

I didn’t either, but I didn’t know if we were ready to talk about this.

So far, Nikola and I hadn’t spoken about our past. It had never felt like we were avoiding it; we both knew what happened, he apologised, and we were simply trying to move on. But we’d never brought any of it up, not since our very first date.

“Please,” Nikola asks again, and it’s enough to make me break.

Sighing, I meet his eyes, “It sucks because I thought we were through with this, Nikola,” I tell him, arms falling limply at my side as my throat tightens. “I thought we were done with you trying to control the things in my life.”

All at once, all the frustration, confusion and every other fleeting emotion slips from Nikola’s face, replaced entirely by a haunting type of worry that makes him look so lost it makes my chest ache in entirely new ways.

“No,” Nikola whispers sadly, his head shaking. “I’m not—” he takes a breath, “I wasn’t trying to control you. I wasn’t trying to control your life.”

“But you did, Nikola,” I groan, voice finally breaking slightly at the end. “You didn’t let us do it together. You didn’t even give it a chance. And I don’t care if we would’ve ended up in the same place; it would’ve been something we both decided. Instead, you kept me out of the blue for an entire month, and it makes me feel like—”

My breath catches, the words sticking on my tongue as painful memories resurface far too quickly.

I try to bury them, to fight off all the pain and misery attached to them, but if I wanted Nikola to understand, then he had to hear everything.

“It makes me feel like I used to…” I whisper as I close my eyes to stop the water welling there. “It feels like when you’d keep me locked in the pack or keep me away from people you didn’t like. Like if you don’t really care about me or what I want, because you only care about what you want.”

“No,” Nikola says, the word tortured as he closes the space between us. In seconds, he has my face in his hands, forcing me to look at him. “That’s not true. I care about you, Hagen. I only care about you.”

“But that’s how this makes me feel, Nikola,” I tell him honestly, my voice shredded with emotion. “It feels like we’re back to how we used to be, and I don’t want to go back to that. I can’t. But now I can’t stop thinking about what else you’re keeping from me, o-or if this whole month hasn’t been what I thought—”

“It was. It was everything and more,” Nikola pledges while his trembling thumbs pass over my skin. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I didn’t think— I just,” he lets out a long breath, defeat making his shoulders fall. “I only did it for you.”

Those last words uttered so wistfully make my chest seize, easing the barbwire wrapped around my heart.

“For me?” I repeat carefully, and he nods.

Nikola swallows, struggling to find his words, “Everything I learned said that Mate Awareness forces mates to be together. I causes unbearable pain even they’re apart and it doesn’t fade until they’ve spent enough time together for their bond to take properly. When I understood we shared it, I blocked its effect on you so that you wouldn’t be forced to be with me.”

Lips parting, I stare at Nikola with wide eyes while his eyes flick all over my face, anxious and full of regret.

“I only wanted you to accept me on your own, Hagen,” he whispers so gently it makes my heart beat faster for him. “I didn’t want you to be pressured to be with me, not when you’d only just agreed to try with me. I… never intended to make you feel like this, like I used to… I only wanted to give us a chance.”

Standing with his body bound tight just like me, Nikola watches me closely, trying to read my every thought through my face while I saw one on his— worry.

Worry because that’s what Nikola did. He worried over me and my comfort, and now, he worried over the fact that he’d made me upset.

Pain slices up my chest, burrowing so deep it shortens my breaths. Closing my eyes, I try to put my words together as his explanation takes root inside of me.

He’d done it for me.

It made sense because what could Nikola possibly gain from not sharing it with me. If anything, he could’ve pretended otherwise to ensure I’d be with him always, like he’d always wanted, but he hadn’t.

He’d… done it for me.

“Hagen,” Nikola whispers, his tone uncharacteristically fragile. “Look at me, please.”

My eyes squeeze tighter as I shake my head, “I— I just need a second.”

“I’m sorry,” Nikola apologises earnestly, coming so close his breaths brush against my skin. “I thought I was doing the right thing.” Nikola tries to bring us closer, but I step back, “Hagen.”

“I just—” I search for air as I pull away from his hold to put some space between us. “I don’t know what to think.”

Nikola lets me go, but I can feel, even without looking at him, how much he hated to. But I was telling the truth; I didn’t know what to think with all of this new information.

The fact that Nikola had done all of this for me was sweet and kind, and insanely thoughtful, and so Nikola, but it didn’t change the fact that he’d still done it all on his own, behind my back. It was still him taking the reigns on things that affected the both of us.

When I open my eyes, my gaze settles on the floor, but it’s still enough for me to glimpse the way Nikola stands bound tight in front of me, as if he were just waiting for the signal to come back into my space.

“How can I fix this?” He asks when long silence lingers over us.

I shrug helplessly, “I don’t know, Nikola.”

“I just wanted it to be different this time,” he replies, and the pain in his voice makes Zyair whine helplessly. “I wanted you to make your own choices without me or anything else forcing your hand.”

“I get why you did it, Nikola.”

“Do you?”

“Yes,” I promise, my eyes unable to stay away from his a second longer. “Yes, I get it because I know you now. I know that you care about me, that you genuinely want me to be happy always, and that no matter what is happening, you’re always thinking about me and how I fell. I do get it because I know how great you really are, but….”

Nikola’s eyes grow sad as he watches me, “But I should have given you a choice,” he finishes quietly, and I nod.

It’s quiet again, now that it’s all said and in the open. Quiet and depressingly sad because there was a weight between us now that hadn’t been here for weeks, caution I couldn’t help feeling again.

“I always mess it up with you,” he says, sounding angry again but at himself. “I’m sorry.

“I know,” I whisper because I didn’t doubt Nik’s sincerity; I could feel it wafting off of him in waves.

I knew Nikola had the best of intentions, but he’d also had good intentions when we were younger.

It won’t be like that – Zyair tries, mustering what encouragement he can even though I could feel his own pain, his own disappointment. He’s not like that anymore. He’s trying.

I know, but that doesn’t make it okay.

I’d only just started to trust Nikola, to open myself to the possibility of what our bond could be, but now I felt foolishly bare and hurt… more than anything, I felt hurt.

But I knew I wasn’t the only one. Stood paces away and further apart than we’d been in weeks, Nikola looked miserable. Where there was usually confidence and small smiles, sadness took its place. It claimed every part of him, making his grey eyes murky when they settle on me.

I can’t help but take a step forward. It’s not a choice, just my soul aching for his and it’s all the permission he needs to cross the rest of the space between us.

Nikola pulls me into him, hugging me for the first time in… for the first time I could remember in a very long time. I give into it, into him, letting myself be surrounded by his scent that made me want to burrow even closer.

When his fingers slip into my hair, directing me to rest against his chest, I stifle the frustrated whine that tries to crawl up my throat.

How could I want him close so much and want to run all at once?

How could he make all the aches and pains feel better already when he was the cause?

In his arms, the last of my anger fades, and even knowing better, I can’t make myself pull away.

“I’m sorry,” Nikola mumbles again, his head resting against mine.

“Stop apologising.”

“I don’t know what else to say,” he admits miserably while his fingers gently combing through my hair. I lean into it, greedy for the touch. “I wish I could take it all back.”

I wished he could too. I wished he’d told me at the very beginning or even at some point after. If he had, Goddess knows I would’ve been completely at his mercy by now.

“I had plans for us tonight,” Nikola states after a while.

“Yeah?”

He nods against me, dipping his head to the side so our cheeks brush. I almost groan at the contact and lean closer to nuzzle him, “I wanted to take you to a corner of packlands so no one would disturb us, one of the meadows perhaps. And I didn’t plan to return you home until you couldn’t remember your own scent.”

I hum gently, pleasure filling me quickly at the prospect.

“That would’ve been nice,” I admit as I step closer, basking in his warmth.

“I’m sorry—”

“Stop saying your sorry,” I cut in, leaning back to glare at him, but I freeze when I find us eye to eye.

Only a breath away from one another, close enough for his nose to graze against mine, Nikola and I stand perfectly still.

Suddenly everything slows around us, the world turning to a snail’s crawl as we stand perfectly still.

Grey eyes like thunderous clouds stay locked on me, and try as I might, I can’t find the will to look away from them.

Barely breathing, I try to ease back, but Nikola’s grip in my hair tightens, forcing me to stay still, “Nik.”

“Do you regret everything we’ve done?” He asks, his grey eyes never once wavering from mine.

“No,” I answer before I even get a chance to think about it.

“Have I ruined it all?” He asks, his distress, making it hard for me to breathe.

“You didn’t ruin it,” I promise him, meaning every word.

“But things have changed?” He asks, and though I wish I didn’t have to, I nod.

Nikola’s fingers tighten in my hair as if he were trying to hold on, to me or what we’d had before this, I don’t know, but I don’t pull away.

Things had changed. It wasn’t sweet fantastical bliss anymore, not like it had been for this near-perfect month, but it wasn’t ruined.

If it were, I wouldn’t be standing here with a part of me wishing he’d kiss me.

——–

If after this you’re still picking sides or blaming Hagen, you are very silly

Thoughts?!?!

I almost didn’t go with Hagen’s POV, but I’m really glad I did cause I feel like it gave a major insight into all the past traumas he’s still dealing with.

For people who were immediately hating on Hagen, I hope this chapter helped you see the other side and keep an open mind.

Just because Nikola is hot and sweet, doesn’t make him right in every situation.

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I told lots of y’all it wouldn’t be that bad, and I’m sure you’ll agree it wasn’t as bad as you all were fairing.

That being said, things have changed, so let the games begin 🙃 jk jk, more like let the pain begin

Until next time,
Byeeeeeeeee Humanssssssss